EP 470 – Story #3 – You are a guest on AIPD.

Posted under Episode 470, Story On By Chief

You are a guest on AIPD. If you are being held against your will, blink three times and scratch your nose.

If the man is holding a weapon, wave it around in the air or use it to beat him senseless.
If the man is a cop, pretend to be a terrorist and run away screaming.

If that man works at a Haberdashery,
 ask where they keep their clothes for men with tiny hands.
If the man is not a cop, do what he says and act terrified.
If you get lost, yell for help and look pathetic.

If you encounter bears,
 cry like a baby.
If you encounter monsters, throw rocks at them.
If you see a member of a cult, try to convert them by giving them candy and bibles.
If you see an assassin, stand behind him.

If you see a locked door,
 look frightened.
If you find yourself in a sewer, run for the exit.
If you are in a forest, gather up some twigs and sticks.
If you can't think of anything to do, just wait.

If you wait,
 the cops will show up and kill the bad guy.
If they don't show up, run around frantically and shout for help.
If there is a sniper in the building, find an empty room and hide under the bed.

If you see a man pretending to be a Rhino,
 point and laugh.
If you see a man wearing a big hat with a feather sticking out of it, point and laugh.
If you see a woman walking down the street, shout "Hello, Sailor!"

If you crap your pants,
 pretend you're having a bad day.
If you get knocked down, get back up and scream like a girl.
If you have to use the bathroom, don't go near a toilet.

If you give a mouse a cookie,
 he'll ask for a glass of milk.
If a man has a knife to your throat, take his knife away from him.
If you hear someone knocking on the front door, shout "There's no one home!"

If they knock louder,
 ask them to speak up, they're shouting.
If they come inside, shout for help.
If there is no one home, start looking through drawers.
If you can't find a gun, yell at the bad guy, he's standing right in front of you!

If you step on a crack,
 you'll break your mother's back.
If you step on a crack, you'll have bad luck.
If you break a mirror, 7 years bad luck.
If you break a mirror, you're gonna have some bad times.

If you hunt down the person giving all this advice,
 kill them.
If you catch the person who gave this advice, try to convince them that they are wrong.
If you cannot convince the person to change their mind, get some rope and tie them up.

If you subscribe to AIPD,
 I will send you an AIPD sticker in the mail.
If you subscribe to AIPD, you'll never be alone again.
If you are reading this in a magazine, cut out these instructions, put it on your refrigerator, and you'll always know what to do.

If this is your first time at Fight Club,
 don't tell anyone.
If you tell someone, everyone will ask you why.
If you have already seen a movie version of Fight Club, don't tell people that you've seen it before.

You blink twice
 to signal your surrender.
The police officer is holding a gun to your head.
Blink once if he pulls the trigger, and you will die.
Blink twice if he doesn't pull the trigger, and you will live.

You blink once.

A man is pointing a knife at your neck.
Blink once if he pushes the knife into your throat.
Blink twice if he backs away and lets you go.
You blink twice.

If you want to be successful on twitch,
 you need to have a thick skin and learn how to laugh at yourself.
If you were to be on a reality show, what would you choose?
Would you rather win the lottery or have sex with your boss' wife?