EP 470 – Story #2 – You are Sheriff Rules, a lawman who has a passionate obsession with following the rules.

You are Sheriff Rules, a lawman who has a passionate obsession with following the rules. It comes to your attention that an officer from your police force, named Jason, has been stealing turtles from the zoo. You have Jason to come to your office. You demand that Jason returns the turtles to the zoo.


When Jason arrives in your office he is carrying the turtles. When you ask why he stole them he says: "Because I like turtles."
You say: "Why did you steal the turtles?"

Jason affirms that he only took the turtles so he could pamper them and then return them to the zoo.
 He is obviously not an animal lover.
You explain to Jason that if he loves animals so much he should find another job at the zoo.
"What about the turtles?" asks Jason. "Don't they deserve the chance to live their lives as animals?"

You realize that Jason is a member of PETA and wants total animal liberation.  You tell Jason this is against the rules and you proceed to sit Jason down and tell him ALL of the rules:



1. Don't kill people.
2. Don't kill animals.
3. Don't eat meat or dairy.
4. Don't kill things.
5. Don't steal.


You arrest Jason and the turtles. You pile Jason and the turtles into the back of a squad car and take them back to the zoo.
 You demand that Jason pay for all damages.
Jason says to you, "How do we pay you for our rights? If people want to live life as an animal then why should they pay taxes?"

Jason takes off all of his clothes and jumps out of the moving vehicle and hops into the Rhino exhibit where he pretends to be a Rhino.
 The Rhino's attempt to attack him with their horns, but Jason simply brushes them away like they were flies.
You call the zoo to tell them you found the Rhino who has gone rogue and is running wild in the city.

You respond to an APB saying there's a rhino downtown. You arrive to see Jason, naked with a traffic cone strapped to his head. Jason looks at you snorts.

You yell: "You are under arrest for animal abuse!"
You run Jason over with your car as the Rhino roars behind you.


Your best friend, George, tells you about some weird shit going down on his ranch.

You yell to Jason, "put on some clothes! Cory has plenty of piles of clothes for you."

Jason yells back: "I don't have to dress up as an animal to live life like one."
Cory, your other best friend, responds: "This isn't funny, George."


You tranq Jason.

You explain to Jason that while he can be naked as much as he wants, it's still not okay for him to steal from George.
You and Jason drive back to Cory's house to drop off Jason.

You tell Jason, "Now please obey the rules, or else."

You begin to notice strange things happening at the zoo. One day a small pink elephant is spotted in the middle of the lobby. Another day, a man dressed as a pink rabbit approaches the tiger cage.

The man climbs slowly into the cage and says "I'm the Easter Bunny", but is cut short by a jaw clamping down on his neck.
 A snake appears and drags the man's body out of the cage.
You call the zoo to report the incident, but the director insists that the Easter Bunny was not working that day, so this can't be happening.

As you were dealing with the bunny man, the other guests dressed up like animals freed everything the zoo.  Total chaos ensues.
  You are forced to kill every animal, as well as several people.
You are brought in front of an animal rights judge who sentences you to death for animal abuse.
The last words you hear are: "And for the record, the Easter Bunny did work that day."