EP 469 – Story #3 – You are Edward Drinker Cope, a Paleontologist with a chip on his shoulder. Your rival Paleontologist, Othniel Charles Marsh, has led you to use underhanded methods to try to outdo him in the field, resorting to bribery, theft, and the destruction of bones.

Posted under Episode 469, Story On By Chief 

You are Edward Drinker Cope, a Paleontologist with a chip on his shoulder.  Your rival Paleontologist, Othniel Charles Marsh, has led you to use underhanded methods to try to outdo him in the field, resorting to bribery, theft, and the destruction of bones. This all started when
 he stole your discovery and claimed it as his own. He is a villain who should not be trusted, and should never be underestimated.

You sneak into one of Othniel's dig sit
es

 and 
smash everything you can with a comically sized hammer
.
 You then take your prizes back to your lab at Columbia University where you dissect them and create replicas.
Your rival's name is Othniel Charles Marsh, and his lab is at Princeton University.
  You realize that in order to steal funding from Othniel, you need to discover something huge.  You make up a new dinosaur species:
  "Drinker Copeosaurus," the "Tyrant Lizard".
At your secret laboratory you recreate a life-sized model of Dicrower Copeosaurus.


You get your friends and family together for a massive unveiling in Central Park in New York City.


Othniel is there sitting front row center with a shit eating grin on his face.  You pull the curtain on your newest discover only to realize that it has been replaced with a
 life sized replica of Marsh, right down to his white lab coat, goggles, and the goofy smile you see so often in his photographs.
"Drinker Copeosaurus!" screams Othniel, "the Tyrant Lizard!


You leap off the stage and tackle Othniel to the ground.  You wrestle for a bit before the crowd breaks up the fight.

"This is your doing!" shouts Marsh.
"Shut up Othniel," you say, "You stole this idea from me.
You took my life's work and tried to make it into yours."

You realize that you need to have your dinosaurs fight for you.  You approach Othniel and propose a dino war and whoever loses has to forfeit all of their research and grant money and leave Paleontology FOREVER.  Othniel agrees and you prepare for a dino war!

The battle commences between the two dinosaurs and it is a very one sided affair.  After only a few minutes the entire field is littered with dead Drinker Copeosaurs and Marsh.
"I win!"

You seize control over all of Marsh's research and finally are able to discover new dinosaurs in peace.



Othniel Charles Marsh and Edward Drinker Cope are both very good scientists and both share a love for the discovery of new dinosaur species.  This is an unfortunate rivalry because Othniel Charles Marsh is a villain.

You find out that in Othniel's will he challenges you to weigh your brain after you die to see who is the true smartest scientist.  You agree and when you pass away, your apprentice weighs the two brains.  The person with the heavier brain:

Is Othniel Charles Marsh.
Othniel wins the challenge.
You
 meet Othniel in hell and he again has the biggest shit eating grin on his face
.


"I won the battle at your hands Edward but the war was mine. I took your money, your reputation, even your wife. You are going to be paying for the rest of eternity!"

You spend eternity forever at war with Othniel.  You are constantly thinking of new ways to torture each other such as:

Torturing your enemies with horrible diseases,
Sending each other's family members to prison,
Making people eat bugs,
Having sex with each other's wives,
Sending each other's family members to Hell,
and having sex with each other's daughters.


This goes on and on until finally the devil intervenes.

He decides to end the war between you by putting all of your enemies into a big glass jar and locking them inside.  He then throws the jar away in space.
Your friends and family are still forced to fight each other but they don't know you're dead so it's not nearly as
 bad.  The devil is sad to see the two of you fighting each other like this.
"Othniel," says the devil, "Edward has gone too far this time."
"Oh really?"
 laughs Othniel, "Are we going to punish him? Are we going to do something about this asshole?"
The devil thinks for a moment and realizes that since he knows that there are only two people in the jar he can easily tell the truth and have Othniel be the hero
.
"Othniel, you're free."
"I'm free?" asks Othniel.
"Yes," explains the devil, "Now that I know Edward is in the jar, I can tell you both that I am going to release Edward's wife from her prison so
 she can come back and work in our department at Princeton.  You can work on your new dinosaur together and everyone will be happy.

You spend the rest of the afterlife alone in a glass jar floating through space and time.


***
You are Dr. Alfred Wegener who has made one of the most important discoveries in history!  The theory you've discovered is called "Continental Drift". This was a new way of looking at Earth's crust which explained why there are such vast differences between the continents and islands.