EP 469 – Story #1 – You are Karl Pilkington a professional idiot.

You are Karl Pilkington a professional idiot. You work on British radio and today is the the first day of your brand new show called Monkey News. It's a show where you describe bizarre stories about primates. You start your first report: "So the other day I was waking to the corner shop, right. And on the other side of the street I see a tricycle. I think to myself well, that rather furry kid riding that tricycle. And I look closer and see, it's actually a little monkey fella riding that bike. And he had proper helmet on and goggles too. Rather mad, innit."

Karl, what are you doing? Get back in your studio!
***
You're walking down the streets of London. The weather is nice, there isn't much traffic, and you have just had a great time at the pub last night with some friends.
  You go to the pub and have another monkey encounter.
 As you leave the pub you see a man holding an umbrella. He sees you and tells you to step aside or be squashed under his umbrella. But instead of moving away, you stand right next to the man.
  It is Cory, a guy who wants your clothes.
 He starts walking towards you and as you approach you notice how ugly he is. You ask him if he really needs your jacket because the weather is nice today.  "It'll save me money on the air-conditioning."
  You realize that a little monkey feller has is hiding behind you.  You try to befriend it, but
 he says that he is a chimp and doesn't like you very much.
He gets angry when you ask him why he keeps stealing your stuff. "What do you mean? It's mine.


You tell the little monkey fella to layoff your bananas!


I'm not trying to steal from you, you stupid ape,"
You hear the door open behind you. You turn around and see a little monkey feller sitting on the floor of the pub, playing with your beer.

You try to wrangle all the monkeys and ask them to stop messing with you.
 You yell at the little monkey fellers and say that you can't even enjoy a drink at the pub because they keep stealing your stuff. One of them asks you for a sandwich, and the rest follow him up the stairs into the kitchen.
  You go upstairs to the kitchen and push the big red button which
 stops all the water in the kitchen.
Afterwards, you go downstairs and sit at the bar with some friends.  You order another drink, and as you wait for it to arrive, the little monkey feller who stole your banana comes down the stairs carrying a plate of sandwiches.

 You eat the banana sandwich and it makes you very thirsty.
  You ask the little monkey feller if he would like to try some beer, and he says yes.  You open up a beer bottle for him, and he drinks it so fast that you are afraid he's going to get sick.
  All of the monkeys begin drinking beer and going ape shit.
 You tell them that this is probably not the best idea, but they just ignore you.
Karl, get out of there!
Come back to the radio station Karl!
Get down from there you little fucker!"

You realize your friend Ricky has just arrived at the bar and realized all the chaos.
 He sees the monkeys drinking all the beer and laughing hysterically.
"Ricky! Get away from that monkey feller! What the fuck is going on here?"
He is upset when you call him a monkey feller.
  You tell him that is not an insult and that you love little monkey fellas.  You lean in for a kiss with the monkey fella that gave you the sandwiches.
  Then you all start kissing each other, and all the little monkey fellers start throwing bananas at the ceiling.
"What are they doing? It's making a lot of mess, can I have some of that banana?"
  You eat some of the banana mush and realize it is covered in beer.
 "Oh my God, that is disgusting!"
The little monkey feller looks at you and says, "No you fucking don't!"


You 

re
alize the monkey fella's do not want you to eat any of the bananas and this only makes you want the bananas more
.
  You find some more bananas under the bar, but they are all gone.

You head to the grocery store to buy some late night bananas, but all the monkey fellas follow you.

 As you're walking by a big glass window you see a group of monkey fellers running towards you with knives. You run away with the little monkey feller and hide behind the fruit display. They begin chasing you through the store.
  You call 911 and say, "Help me, there are a bunch of little monkey fellas with knives trying to kill me!  Please send help!"

A cop comes out from inside the police station and orders all the little monkey fellers to stop.
"Who is in charge here?"
"I am."
The cop calls for backup.

The little monkey fellas capture you and seize control of the grocery store.  They have a standoff with police where they make their demands:

1. All bananas must be taken from the grocery store.
2. The store will only sell bananas in exchange for money.
3. The police chief's daughter must be allowed to marry Karl Pilkington.



You say, "Reject humanity. Return to monkey."

They take the cops hostage, and tell them that if their demands aren't met, they will chop up the police chief's daughter.
The police chief says, "If you want to marry my daughter, then give me all your money.

You give the police chief all of your money, $29.37.

The cops make the little monkey fellers put down their guns.
The monkeys ask you if you'll marry them, and you say yes.
You have now become the monkey king, and you have been crowned with the crown of monkey.
☻