EP 468 – Story #3 – You are Mr. Figureines, a guy who works at a toy company

Posted under Episode 468, Story On By Chief

You are Mr. Figureines, a guy who works at a toy company. Your boss wants the company to have a new franchise to make toys out of. You're running out of ideas so you randomly look up stuff on the internet before deciding to make a toyline based on the show AIPD. The toyline includes a Jason toy that squirts out butter, a Tony toy that can sing and a Cory toy that comes with a small bucket.

The kids love it! But there's one problem: the police don't know what to do with all these toys since they are dangerous and illegal. They end up selling them to drug cartels for big money!

You start seeing mobsters killing people with your toys.
 The mob is taking over and your toy business has turned into a massive criminal enterprise.
The police try to get rid of all the toys, but they end up fighting each other over which one should own the entire franchise!

You remind the police officers that you still have full control over YOUR toy company.  You decide to change the name of your toy company to match your newfound success and call it "
Toy Mafia."
All the cops agree and change their company name too. The only problem is that now the toy mafia has become an international syndicate, and are planning to take over every country in the world!

You get a letter from a Vice reporter that says: "We've found one of your toys is spreading anti-birthday propaganda."

"What?" You say angrily.
"How is that possible?!" You exclaim.

You read the Vice reporter's article. It says that your toy causes kids to be sad about their birthday.

You try to make up for all the sadness your products have caused by making a new toy:

 The Birthday Clown. This toy gives kids balloons and cake on their birthday.
You think this will fix all of your problems. The kids love your toy, the police love you and you're getting ready to start a big campaign for your next franchise:
 The AIPD series!

But before you can start on your new series of toys, you find out the Birthday Clown dolls are killing the children when they run out of cake and balloons.
 You go to investigate the bodies, only to find your assistant has been killed.
The police are all around you and demand that you tell them what happened.
You confess everything:
"I was planning to kill my assistant so that I could take over your toy company, and then I accidentally killed
 him instead! But don't worry; I didn't murder all those other kids with my other toys! They all had just enough cake and balloons to survive!"
You give the police all your evidence and they decide not to charge you with any crimes.

You breath a sigh of relief and decide to change your ways and once again rebrand into religious toys.  You release the names of your new series of toys:

"Jesus the King, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, The Leprechaun, Santa Claus, The St. Patrick's Day leprechaun, Jesus the Holy Ghost, and Jesus the Godfather."

You get a letter from the Pope about your new toys:

Your toys have spread anti-birthday propaganda all over the world! He wants you to stop making them or else he will declare war on your religion.
You send the Pope a letter back and threaten to turn all your toys into real life zombies!

You push the button and all of your toys transform into the living dead.
 The Pope gets scared and immediately stops the Vatican's army.
He sends all of his soldiers to fight you in the afterlife, where all your toys are already turned into zombie Jesus's.

You are in Heaven right now with your new toys.

You try to sell your zombie jesus's to God himself.
 He turns out to be an asshole who thinks your zombie jesus's are terrible.
You try to argue your case with the Godfather of the Catholic Church, but he's so strong that you can't even move.

The Godfather has 1 request:
 "Get me some real Jesus's for my birthday party tomorrow!"
You ask how you're supposed to do this and the Godfather tells you to go to hell.
He sends the rest of your zombie jesus's to go fight Jesus in Hell for him.

The battle is long and hard, there are casualties.
 But eventually, you defeat Jesus and bring him back to heaven as your prisoner.
When you get back home, the police have finally caught up to you!
You are thrown into jail and the judge gives you a choice:
Either spend the rest of eternity in Hell or tell the judge how to
 find and free Jesus from the underworld.
You tell him everything:
The Godfather's plan to take over Heaven and Earth, and your own plan to create a religion based on zombie Jesus's.

You go free and name your new religion:
 Zombie Jesus! You start a worldwide campaign to recruit everyone and anyone you know into being a zombie Jesus.
The Godfather gets mad and sends his army of Catholic zombies after you!
You find out that the Pope is a zombie too and it seems like all hell is about to break loose.

You realize the world is in need of the perfect toy now more than ever!  You create the perfect toy: a
 toy robot that shoots holy water!
It works perfectly, except when it shoots people, instead of turning them into zombies, the Holy Water turns them into real life saints!
You are happy you were able to make the perfect toy but you still need a better idea for your next franchise.

You come up with a new concept and call it: