You are a strange man named Carl Bumpkin. You are on an episode of "Hoarders" and "My Strange Addiction" at the same time. You start by introducing yourself to the camera. You: Hello! I am Carl Bumpkin! The only person in history to collect all 50 states in 1:144 scale! The producers try to stop you from doing this, but they can't because YOU'RE THE SHOW. Your hoarding gets worse when you start to collect other things, such as: * 50 copies of the Declaration of Independence * A tattered copy of "Tropic of Cancer" * The first issue of "Playboy Magazine" * A cardboard cut out of Liberace You: I have even more weird stuff in my house. You continue to list out weird stuff you own: * 2 dozen different sets of golf clubs * A dozen different kinds of cologne * 20 pairs of old jeans that are so stiff they could kill a bear * The entire series of "Cheers" DVDs You: Oh, and one more thing... You reach into your pocket and pull out a small package. It's wrapped in gold foil. You open it up to reveal... A condom. You then realize that you forgot about the cameraman, who has been filming you the whole time. You ask the cameraman if you said anything embarrassing and he nervously looks away. He says: "Nope." But he doesn't believe him and you tell him to look at his footage. You point to the condom that fell from your pocket earlier and you say: "It was probably for this guy." The hoarding expert shows up and spends 3 hours collecting the following ten obvious pieces of trash in your house: 1. The empty box that was once a box of candy 2. Your coffee cup that you have forgotten how to drink out of 3. The receipt that is for a purchase made in 1985 4. Your dad's hat that is covered in mold 5. Your cat's poop that you never cleaned 6. A roll of paper towels that is 1/16th full of dust 7. The paper clip that you used to hold your pants together when you lost a button 8. The bag that you store all of your old candy in 9. A ketchup bottle cap that you've been keeping for 2 years because you think it'll make you rich someday 10. A small plastic horse that is broken You argue with the hoarding expert that you want to keep all of those things . The hoarding expert agrees and lets you take them home, but she tells you: "If you bring anything back into your house that isn't related to the ten things we collected today, I will immediately be forced to turn you in to the police." You keep arguing with the trash collectors and very little is thrown out at the end of day 1. You: Are you sure? Hoarding expert: Yes. You: What about this? Hoarding expert: That's OK. It's one of your 10 things. The next morning the hoarding expert brings in your estranged son Marcus who is in tears and tells you this garbage is ruining your life. You tell her that you want it all gone now. She tells you that there are some things you can't get rid of like your parents' wedding rings. Your son gets angry and yells at the hoarding expert. He says: "You're not throwing out my toys!" She tells him that he has to give them up if you want her to help him. He angrily throws his action figures away in a garbage can. You secretly pick them back out and put them in your son's car. When you think she is not watching, you pull out some of his stuffed animals and stuff them in your pants. She sees you do this and demands to know where the rest of the toys are. You refuse to tell her, but then she notices that the son's car is filled to the brim with trash. She goes over and asks why the car is full of junk and he yells at her for being a bad mother. The hoarding expert gets furious and kicks the car off the curb. Your son runs to get it and when she notices that he left behind the stuff you hid, she sends you to jail and calls the police. The next day at the hospital you are in a coma. You wake up to see your son crying into your hospital bed. Your son: How could you? You watch as your family stares at you with disappointment. You ask the doctor if the hoard from your house is the reason you went into a come. He explains to you: "Yes." Your son: What did you do dad? You: I didn't mean to. You watch as your son throws the last of his toys and stuffed animals away. The moral of the story: "Don't try to keep a lot of trash in your house!"
EP 468 – Story #2 – You are a strange man named Carl Bumpkin.
Posted under Episode 468, Story On By Chief