You are Stanley Sellout, an award-winning wrestler. You have won 125 wrestling matches. However, the coach of your latest wrestling rival will pay you a million dollars if you purposely lose your latest wrestling match. You agree to the deal. You get to the arena and face your opponent. A minute into the fight, you lay on the floor and say, "I'm in pain. I give up." The crowd gasps, while the coach smirks. You win the money! But something doesn't feel right... The next morning, you wake up feeling strange. Your arms are numb, but still strong enough to lift weights. Every time you try to move a little bit, you feel as if your whole body is being torn apart. You want to regain your strength and start a rigorous C ross F it routine. You start by deadlifting 2 bags of poops. Your arms begin to ache again, but this time they don't go away. What's happening? You look at yourself in the mirror and notice that your skin has started peeling off. Flayed flesh reveals itself beneath the skin. You run outside and watch the world pass you by. You can see what happened to the rest of the town. Everyone has become a zombie. They all look just like you did yesterday. You suspect CrossFit is the cause of the sudden zombification of the town and try to do something to stop it! You decide to try a different workout: "Pullups and Pushups". You manage to complete 15 pullups before your arms go numb. You take one last look at the sun, which seems to be slowly disappearing. With arms numb, you hear the groaning of the undead. Leg day will have to be leg night. And so you repeat the same process over and over for several weeks until you finally regain your strength. You are stronger than ever. You now know that CrossFit causes people to turn into zombies after only a few days. You use your Giant dildo bat to get through the zombie horde and make your way to the CrossFit gym to get everyone to stop doing CrossFit. As you approach the gym, a man opens the door and greets you with an open hand. He seems normal enough but suddenly he grabs your neck from behind and begins strangling you. He continues choking you, even when you fall to the ground. You have no choice, you defend yourself and slap him with your giant dildo bat. His head pops clean off his shoulders. You hit him once more, just to make sure. You look down at the body of the dead man. He seems completely human except for the fact that there is absolutely nothing left of his torso. > You say "I have to hide the body before Officer Cory from AIPD shows up." You grab a shovel and bury the body deep underground. You enter the gym and find that all of the members have turned into zombies. A zombie walks up to you and says, "Let's get started!" You start Jazzercising violently at the zombie. It's working! The zombification is being sweat out of the zombies. Your arms are burning from swinging your giant dildo bat around. You decide to finish off the rest of the zombies with a quick round of pushups. As you begin doing your pushup routine, you notice that the zombies are getting weaker and weaker. You push through the pain and keep exercising until the zombies turn to dust. They're gone, but you still feel kind of sick and weak. You think back on how much you exercised and realize that you may not have been fully recovered yet. You try to jog home, but you can barely move. You enter your home to see Michael standing there, waiting for you. Michael: "Hey! Did you miss me?" Michael: "Oh! I forgot my keys!" Michael runs outside to get them. You ask yourself, Why does he always forget his keys? You lock Michael out of your house while he gets his keys. You hate Michael. You hate your life. But you must continue living, lest you become another zombie. You decide to do some more CrossFit training. Maybe you'll be able to beat Michael at CrossFit soon, and then you can kick him out of your house forever. The zombie gym manager comes up to you and informs you that, under the new terms of service, the gym will now only accept brains as payment. You hate the zombie gym manager. You should have killed the zombie gym manager earlier. You decide to leave the zombie gym. You get in your car and drive westward, hoping to find another town with good CrossFit gyms.
EP 467 – Story #2 – You are Stanley Sellout, an award-winning wrestler.
Posted under Episode 467, Story On By Chief