EP 466 – Story #3 – You are Tom.

Posted under Episode 466, Story On By Chief

You are Tom. You wake up from a deep sleep to discover you're late for work. You throw on some clothes, and open the door only to see

 Michael standing there. "Michael?"
"Yes," he replies with an exhausted sigh. He's wearing his white suit again today, looking like an angelic apparition out of one of those Renaissance paintings in which all the figures wear robes or white tunics and have long hair and beards.

You don't believe what you are seeing and you reach out to see if Michael is real: he is.  Michael tells you that you are the chosen one.
 Then, after a few minutes, Michael leaves you alone. You look around at your surroundings. The library seems to have been transformed overnight into a medieval fortress complete with drawbridges. A large double-door leads east.

You look through the history books and realize that you are in the middle of a kingdom under siege by
 an evil king.  You wonder how much time has passed since you fell asleep last night -- you were so tired yesterday. It must have been at least two days! But where are you? There doesn't seem to be any way to leave this place, not without going through the doors.

You have an extreme phobia of large wooden doors and they appear to be the only exit.

You get up and wander aimlessly around the library for hours until it 

strikes you as funny that you should find yourself here. You laugh at the absurdity of it all. After all, you've never even heard of this place before.

You hide in the library until everyone leaves and then you plot your escape.  You see a large stained glass window and break it open by throwing the book "
The King's Ransom" through it. The glass shatters but there is no alarm. You sneak out and make your way back home.
As you walk down the street you think about your dream and what it could mean.

You then accidentally bump into the Evil King.

He looks at you angrily and says, "Why do you always interrupt my important meetings? I'm sure I told you once before, stay away from me!"
You run off to safety, laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all.

You notice the Evil King sitting on a bench plotting something and decide to play a prank on him.

You approach him and say, "Oh, I thought I recognized you! You're the Evil King from the storybooks."
"I am the Evil King!" he screams.
You tell him your name and explain how you found your way into his castle.

You keep saying he looks like the Evil King and the Evil King goes red in the face yelling, "I AM THE EVIL KING!!!!"

Suddenly he gets up and starts chasing you around town.
You run into a bar and lock yourself inside.
You realize that the Evil King is coming closer and closer and you try to come up with a plan.

You tell everyone in the bar that the first person to cover the Evil King in beer gets 100 gold pieces.  The Evil King enters the bar and is pelted with an ocean of ale.
 Everyone cheers when he falls over. The Evil King laughs and gives everyone 100 gold pieces each.
Everyone applauds and congratulates you for your good deed. You go back to your apartment.  As you enter the door, you hear the sound of heavy footsteps coming up the stairs.

The Evil King barges into your doorless apartment.

"What did you do that for?" he cries.
You answer, "Because I can."
You tell the Evil King that you would love to see more of him.
After a few weeks, you're starting to feel pretty comfortable around the castle.

The Evil King has made you his personal court jester and to get back at you, he places you in an arena with only large wooden doors!  This is your worst nightmare!

You stand nervously outside the entrance, waiting for the next match. You glance around and realize that you are trapped in an endless labyrinth of doors.
Eventually the doors start opening and closing and you realize that the doors are controlled by people.

After several hours of severe panicking, the Evil King shows you the way out and says, "That's for the beer shower, now we are even."

The Evil King asks you if you want to spend the night together.  You agree and head to his room.  When you arrive, the Evil King is already undressed. You stare at his body hungrily.

You stare at the Evil King and all you see is a delicious looking sandwich lying in bed.  You decide to take a nibble.
 You take a big bite.  You scream, "WHAT IS THIS?!?!"
You spit out the sandwich onto the floor. The Evil King quickly picks it up and eats it himself.
You ask, "Why did you give me that disgusting sandwich?"

That wasn't a sandwich, that was my penis.

  You realize that you just ate the Evil King's cock. You also realize that you will die very soon unless you find a cure.  You look around desperately hoping to find a solution. Suddenly you spot the Magic Mirror.

You say, "Mirror Mirror on the wall, what is the cure all for poison cock and balls?"

A handsome man appears in the mirror. He is dressed in a tuxedo and has curly blonde hair and a sexy mustache. His voice is deep and soothing.
"Hello there, I am the Magic Mirror.
 What is your request?"
"I need a potion to heal my poisoned cock and balls."  The Magic Mirror makes a strange noise and disappears.
You begin to worry because you're afraid the Magic Mirror won't be able to help you.

Moments later a potion appears in front of you.  You drink it all and then
 pass out.
You wake up to the smell of fresh bread. You open your eyes to see the Magic Mirror again.
"Hello there, I am the Magic Mirror. What is your request?"

You ask, "What was that potion I drunk last night?  What does it do?"

You realize that you are in a completely different place than the last time you were here.  You look around and realize that you are in a palace.
You realize that you are in the Magic Mirror's realm.

The Magic Mirror appears before you in the flesh and winks at you.  You know what that means...

You ask the Magic Mirror, "How can I return to the world of the living?  Do you have any ideas?"
The Magic Mirror replies, "No, but I'll let you in on a little secret: the way to get back to life is to eat the heart of the one
 who killed you.  If you ever meet the person that killed you, kill them and their heart and you shall live forever."
You are shocked at this information and the Magic Mirror explains further.

"You must travel to a land called Earth where a powerful wizard named Michael lives.  He has the power to bring you back to life and to defeat the one who murdered you.
You thank the Magic Mirror for all of the information and promise to follow his advice.

You give the Magic Mirror an STD.
  You don't want him to have anything to do with you after all.
You leave the Magic Mirror's realm and make your way to a nearby forest.  There you find a cave.
 You decide to hide in the cave until you have a better idea of what to do.

The moral of the story:
  Don't fuck the Magic Mirror.