EP 463 – Story #3 – You are Teddy Roosevelt and you just discovered Mt. Fart

You are Teddy Roosevelt and you just discovered Mt. Fart.
 You can't believe your eyes! Who would have thought?
But as you get closer, the mountain starts to shrink. It's shrinking so fast that soon it's no bigger than a grain of sand on the beach.

The tiny Mt Fart begins to rumble...

It becomes more and more difficult for you to breathe until finally all at once you're gasping for air.
As you fall backwards, you see a sign hanging from a tree: "No Smoking".

There is a gang of iguanas in leather jackets smoking cigarettes and riding skateboards
 through the surf. They don't seem too interested in you.
One of them pulls out a joint and offers it to you, but you shake your head and say "no thanks." He lights up anyway, then goes back to talking about how he wants to hit the slopes tomorrow.

But he means cocaine.
 The iguana snorts some white powder off his finger and laughs. Then he turns around and sees you watching him with horror.
"Oops," he says, putting the joint back into his mouth and lighting it.

The iguana asks, "you're not a cop are you?

"I could never be a cop!" you shout angrily.



"C'mon man. Don't be such a square. We got a good thing going here."
You start walking away. But the iguanas follow you. In fact, they follow you onto the sidewalk.

You cant resist the urge that hounds you every day. The need to slap meat in the squared circle. You challenge the iguanas to a wrestling match.

They laugh again. "Man, I can take you down easy. If you want, we'll put on a show. Just like in the movies. This time, though -- no holds barred."

You don't wait for them to take off their cool jackets and tackle them to the ground.
 Instead you grab one by the ear and drag him to the gutter.
His friends look over at you from inside their leather jackets. Then they pull out guns and start shooting at you.
You run for your life, dodging bullets while trying to dodge the iguanas.

You take cover in an abandoned dairy queen
, hoping for safety. The iguanas follow you there as well.
You try to hide behind the counter.
"Where you hiding, pussycat?"
You jump up. "Over here!"

You jam the blizzard mixer into the iguanas eye.

He cries out and falls backward.
His friends turn around. They're shocked to see their friend lying on the floor.
"Who did this to me?"
You scream. "I saved you from those iguanas!

You continue to use ice cream making supplies to fight the iguanas.

Your fists begin to bleed.
You throw a scoop of chocolate ice cream at one of the iguanas. It hits him right between the eyes. His gun drops to the ground.
Another iguana grabs you by the shirt.

You grab the gun
 from his hand.
"Go ahead, make my day!"
You point the revolver at the iguana.
He looks scared.
You aim the gun at his face.
Then you pull the trigger.

Then you pull the trigger again, and again, and again, until it clicks.

A few bullets left, huh? Well, let me tell you something, pal. I've had a pretty shitty day myself. So just sit tight and listen to what I have to say.

You give a long speech detailing all the shit in your life:
 how your parents were murdered by a deranged ice cream truck driver; how you spent years in foster homes after that. How you were picked on by all the other kids because you were different. And now you're on top of the world, with a sweet new job and a hot girlfriend who loves you

Teddy pulls out a ruler and measures his own dong, and he says "I'm going to need a yard stick?"

You decide not to argue.


You keep throwing punches and using the blizzard mixer on the iguanas.
Eventually, there is only one iguana left standing.

You see that a news crew has arrived and you announce on national tv your size:
 12 inches!
The iguana looks at you and says, "well, ain't you a big shot?"
You smile. "Yes, I am."
The iguana looks down at his pants.

The iguana pulls out
 his dick and says, "See what I mean? That's not even a foot."
"Not even close," you say.
The iguana slaps your ass.
You look over at the news crew and ask, "What do you think of all this?"

The reporter says, "Well, if it is true that this guy really has a 12 inch penis, then it's certainly the biggest one I've ever seen. What do you say, Mister President?"

Mr. President hops on his horse and rides into the sunset, but adjusts hus monster dong first
.
The iguanas stare at you as he leaves.
After a moment, they burst into laughter.
"Now that's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
"That's what happens when you mess with Teds.