EP 463 – Story #1 – You are a federal marshal in the wild west and the polka gang is stealing cattle on the Oregon Trail.

Posted under Episode 463, Story On By Chief

You are a federal marshal in the wild west and the polka gang is stealing cattle on the Oregon Trail.

A large mob of cowboys have rallied to stop them, but they're outnumbered and outgunned. You've got your six shooter at the ready...
You draw your gun and fire!

> You shoot the hats off the men, spin your revolver, and kiss the barrel.

Your target gets knocked unconscious (although you don't think he's dead). He doesn't look like much: just another one of those dirty-faced yahoos who'll do anything for a dollar.

> You steal the person's wallet only to discover your wives' panty hose.

Oh well, better than nothing. You stuff it into your pocket.
The cowboy looks up from where he lies. "Hey!" he cries, "That was close."
"I'm a federal marshal," you say, putting away your gun.

The cowboy asks "Hey, can I have them pantyhose back? They're from a special lady."

You shrug. "Sure."
He grabs your hand and kisses it. Then he says "Thanks, pardner, now let's go see if we can get some more of this good grass before the cattle run off."

You can't believe he doesn't know who you are, so you decide to go undercover and see what this "grass" operation is about.
 But first, you need to find out where the cattle are being held.
You tell him "Don't worry, I've got my eye on all of you."
"Uh-oh," says the cowboy.

The cowboy draws his pistol and fumbles getting it in his hand. You have the jump on him
 though, and you pull your own six-shooter and shoot.
But the bullet misses completely. The cowboy shoots back. His bullet hits you right between the eyes.
You wake up outside Mina's house with a splitting headache.

Mina comes running out with a hot bowl of hot soup, you eat it.

Suddenly you remember everything that happened last night.
You ask Mina, "Why did I..."
"Because you were drunk," she says.
"No, I didn't drink any alcohol," you protest.

"Yes you did," she replies. "It's all over the floor."
You look down at yourself and notice your pants are wet. The blood is seeping through your shirt. You must have had an accident last night.

You look back up at Mina and say "Pass the whiskey!"

She brings you a flask. "Drink this. It'll make you feel better."
"What kind of medicine is this?" you ask, sniffing at it.
"Hush," she replies, "it's not poison."

It was poison.
 She poisoned you, just like she did with the apple cider vinegar.
You sit up and take a sip of the whiskey. Your head feels a lot better already.
You look around for your clothes.

You say, "I told you not to bring up the damn apple cider vinegar again!"

Mina slaps you. "Shut up! I wanted to do that!"
You look at her in surprise. "You want to kill me?!"
"Well, yes. That's why I brought you here."

You glance past Mina at the smorgasbord of Old West torture devices:
 a guillotine, stocks, ropes, whips, knives, and chains.
"What are you planning to do to me?" you demand.
"I'm going to have my way with you.

You ask, "Can we put the horse in the stocks and use the whip?"

"Oh no," she replies, "we wouldn't want to hurt the poor animal. We can only do things with you that won't hurt you."
"And what would that be?"
 you ask, nervously eyeing the chains.
"We're going to play a game," she whispers.
You don't like the sound of that.
"A game?" you repeat. "What kind of game?"

You ask "Like in the movie Saw?"

"Yes. Like in the movie Saw."
You look around the room, then back at Mina. "It's a trap isn't it? You're just waiting for me to let my guard down so you can stick a knife in me or something!"

Mina puts on a clown mask and tells you the game of life and death that you must play:

First, she tells you, you must strip naked. Then, when the time comes, you will find out whether you live or die.
You hesitate. "That's pretty scary," you say.

Mina reveals a ruler and begins to measure your donger.
 "I'm making sure you don't cheat and hide anything under there."
You take off your clothes and place them neatly on top of the bed.
"Now," says Mina, "you are going to lie down on the table there and we are going to put you into the stocks."

Mina takes out a ruler and bucket of tomatoes.
 "Wash him thoroughly," she says to someone behind you.
"I thought you said we weren't hurting each other," you whisper.
Mina ignores you and continues to wash you off.

The cold water turtles heads what little you had between your legs.

Mina measures your length and asks how big you are.
You reply, "I'm not really sure."
Mina picks up the ruler and holds it up for all to see.

Mina exclaims aloud the length of your donger, "
Six inches!"
Everyone laughs.
You ask "What's so funny about that? I'm proud of it."
Mina says "But you're too small to satisfy either of us!"

You give you your donger a first place trophy.

Mina grabs you by the ears and says "Now we're going to put you into these stocks."
You say, "Wait. I'm still naked. I haven't even been kissed yet."

You beg mina pathetically for a kiss. This only makes the crowd laugh more.

Mina ignores you and walks away, leaving you to be humiliated.
The stock is secured tightly to the table.
You lay down and try to relax.

Mina blasts death metal and lock the door with a strobe light on
You lay in the stocks while a small electric fan blows air down your throat.
Mina yells, "Ready or not, here I come!"
You scream as loud as you can.

Mina penetrates you with
 a wooden stake and kisses you passionately.
Mina grabs your chin and forces you to look up at her.
Mina rubs your face in your own semen, saying, "Now that you've licked it off, you might as well eat it."