EP 461 – Story #2 – You are Professor Todd Michaels, the guy who writes word problems for math tests.

You are Professor Todd Michaels, the guy who writes word problems for math tests. You have invited a group of friends over for a dinner party. They are horrified to see how you live. Suddenly they understand the origin of all the strange math problems you write about!

But then someone calls and says that there's been an accident at your house. The police will be coming by any minute now. Your guests insist on helping you clean up before the cops arrive, but what can they do?

You ask your party "If I have 8 friends and the mess is 5000 cubic feet, and the police are traveling southeast at 85 mph, how many grams of coke will fit in each friends anus?"

They try to help, but it isn't long before you realize that they don't really know anything about cleaning.
The police finally show up and arrest everyone. You're arrested as well, and thrown into jail with all the other drunks and drug dealers.

You plea for an early release to Cory, a police officer who wants a promotion from his boss, Sheriff Jason.

He asks if you've ever considered being a cop yourself, so you tell him that you have no idea why you wrote those word problems for the math test; they just popped into your head one day.

Officer Cory says "you look 
like 
you got what it takes, and tosses you a service weapon"

Suddenly, all the people who were arrested with you are released because of some technicality. Officer Cory tells them to go home, and promises to call when he has something more concrete to say.

The next day you are giving a lecture at MIT and you present the following math problem:

 Two guys walk into a bar.
 One pulls out a gun and shoots the other.
 What happens next?
 How many bars did they enter?

A student stands and hesitantly says "one?"

Your students gasp in disbelief, and you take their reactions to mean that you need to rethink your life.
That night you come back to your house, which is still trashed. There's a note from Cory saying that you are not welcome in this town again.

Next to the note is an open baggy of cocaine and the most challenging word problem you've ever seen:

 How many grams of coke could fit inside each of the 8 friends' rectums?
The police find you sleeping off the effects of the drugs, and bring you in for questioning.

Before they can ask you anything, you ask the officers "If two stupid pigs are arresting 1 crazy coked out math teacher, how long will the officers live?"

The police immediately drop you off at the nearest hospital.
As soon as you wake up, you write a letter to Cory explaining everything that happened.
In the middle of your explanation, you hear a loud gunshot and fall to the floor.

You look up to see Officer Cory has shot you.  He presents you with one final word problem:

 Three pigs walk into a bar.
 Two pull guns and shoot each other.
 How many bullets hit the third pig?
 (Hint: One bullet hits the pig, but the other two hit the wall behind it.)

You say, "One?"

 Officer Cory says "No, dummy."
 You say "How many bullets hit the wall?"
 Cory says "There are three bullets."
 You say "Then how many hit the pig?"

 Cory says "None!"
 You say "I'm going to kill you," and grab your pistol.
 Cory smiles and says "Okay."
You fire at him, and he ducks down and points his own pistol at you.

You finally get that it was a trick question and that pigs can't shoot.  You put down your gun and turn yourself in.

After you're sentenced to death, Officer Cory comes to visit you.
"You know, I had a lot of fun writing those math questions," he says, "but I didn't expect anyone would actually solve them.

You flail in your electric chair with rage at Officer Cory and let out one last math question "how many gigawatts does it take to stop a human heart?"

 Cory replies, "It doesn't matter. You already stopped it."
 You say "But how many volts?"
 Officer Cory replies "One.
 Point twenty one.  Gigawatts
"