EP 460 – Story #3 – You are Duane Hudgins, a writer for Pitchfork. During an interview with Robert Pollard (Guided By Voices) you ask him what exactly a “14 cheerleader coldfront” is.

Posted under Episode 460, Story On By Chief

You are Duane Hudgins, a writer for Pitchfork. During an interview with Robert Pollard (Guided By Voices) you ask him what exactly a "14 cheerleader coldfront" is. He proceeds to explain it in extreme detail.

You write:
 "The year was 1999 and Robert Pollard had just released his fourth solo album, Something Fierce. In the midst of a tour supporting the album, I sat down with Pollard in New York City's Knitting Factory to discuss the album.

You ask him, "What have the voices guided you to do?"

 "They told me to come out here," he said.
You say, "So then that was their plan all along."
 "No. I think they knew we would end up coming out here, but not at this moment in time."

You ask a follow up question, "Are you saying that you and I are part of some prophecy?"

 He laughs and says, "That's the second-most frightening thing I could possibly imagine. The first being that we were talking about that record from the beginning of our conversation."
 You say, "Well, I don't know if we can call it a prophecy.

You level up and gain the following technoseer powers:

 Techno Sight: When near any source of noise, you may perceive faint sounds emanating from within that are too small or low to be heard by normal means.
 Techno Hearing: Your hearing is sharpened so that even the subtlest of sounds can be discerned.

You use your powers to avoid a lawsuit.
 You see a pair of angry faces approaching you on a bench. One is Robert Pollard's, while the other is a middle-aged man with an equally angry face. You notice that the angry man is carrying a copy of Something Fierce.

You use your superpowers to hear the elevated heart beat of the angry man and use your journalistic abilities to calm his worries about this lawsuit.
 You assure him that you are a journalist and not a lawyer. He relaxes, sits down, and starts to read his copy of Something Fierce again.
After reading the entire article you realize that he is a fan of your work.

You use this opportunity to ask Robert Pollard and offensive and very personal question:
 "Do you have any children?"
 You say, "Do you miss them?"
 "I do miss them. A lot. But not like that."

You call in all of Robert Pollard's illegitimate children.
 They gather around one at a time, and tell you that they never felt a connection with their father until after you left. They seem to love their father and hate him all at the same time.

A fight soon breaks out between the children, this is Roberts chance to be a father.
 He immediately takes the kids into custody. One of his sons, Todd, tries to attack him with a knife, but he subdues him with a swift punch. The son goes limp and falls to the ground, but refuses to let go of the knife.

The children scream and the blood flies and you try to escape the Knitting Room with your life.  You dream about your Pulitzer acceptance speech will be.

You wake up and are standing in the Knitting Room, surrounded by the children. It is late at night.
The room seems to glow red. You can hear the sound of the kids crying and whimpering as they are tied up.

You look across the defeated faces of children to see Robert Pollard stand triumphant singing the lyrics to "14 cheerleader coldfront":

 "And she was a cheerleader..."
 "And she was a cheerleader...and I was a cheerleader too. And she was a cheerleader..."