You are an unconventionally attractive counter-cultural hacker girl who calls herself 1337t1tz. You have just hacked into NBC and interrupted their broadcast of the series finale of "This is Us." With your face and voice obscured, you proceed to drop the following 10 anti-Karen truth bombs : (a) Karen's father abandoned her as a child; (b) Karen has had sex with over 200 different men in her life so far; (c) Karen is actually gay and only sleeps around because she thinks it'll make her straight again; (d) Karen doesn't really know anything about computers or hacking, but was hired by the NSA for some reason; (e) Karen will get away with whatever she wants until someone stops her. That person may be you! Or perhaps not... When all ten truths have been said, the screen cuts back to NBC's live feed from backstage at The Today Show. As soon as this happens, two security guards rush onstage to escort off a visibly upset Karen Gillan. > You are contacted by Al Roker, who wants to get with you. Al Roker is standing behind one of the news desk microphones. He looks tired and stressed out. "Hi there," he says. "I'm Al Roker. I think we've met before?" > You reveal your troubled past to Al Roker. He seems interested and sympathetic. "Yes indeedy!" Al Roker exclaims. "Let me guess -- your father never loved you, right? Your mother left when you were young, leaving you to fend for yourself?" > You slap Al. The look on his face changes completely. Suddenly he turns angry. "Oh no, please don't do that!" Al shouts angrily. His eyes bulge and veins begin to pop out of his forehead. His gastric bypass is reverting!! "It hurts too much..." he moans weakly. "...to eat anymore." With great effort, Al rises up onto unsteady legs. His expression returns to normal and the vein disappear from his brow. You realize Al has grown 100 pounds heavier. And then, like a balloon deflating, Al shrinks down to his original size. Suddenly, Al Roker is holding a copy of TODAY Magazine in front of him. It reads: *** 'SLEEP WITH ME,' AL SAYS TO KAREN GILL AN ON LAST DAY OF INTERVIEWS FOR 'THIS IS US.' *** (Al Roker is seen lying naked on a bed with Karen Gillan.) 'WELL, IT WOULDN'T BE SEX IF YOU DIDNT MAKE A PUSSY OUT OF EVERY ONE YET!' HE SHRIEKS AT HER IN THE NUDE PHOTO THAT RUNS NEXT TO THE HEADLINES. *** (After reading the headline aloud, Al Roker begins screaming obscenities at Karen Gillan while covering his crotch.) You try to calm Al Roker down by offering him his favorite candy bar. But Al is having none of it. Instead, he grabs the magazine and throws it across the room. "I can't believe they're printing this garbage!!" he shouts. Then, suddenly, Al collapses backwards against the wall. > You watch as Al begins to transform into. Al Roker is now transformed into the obese Al Roker seen in TODAY Magazine's cover photo! He glares at Karen Gillan, who is still sitting cross-legged on the studio floor. Karen finally stands up and speaks directly to Fat Al Roker: "So, Al Roker here," she says with a sarcastic tone. "How many women did you sleep with today?" Fat Al Roker grunts. "About six hundred thousand." > You yell "Remember the name 1337t1tz!" A new screen pops open. The words "1337t1tz" flash repeatedly, followed by several lines of text. (a) Karen will get away with whatever she wants until someone stops her. That person may be you! Or perhaps not... (b) Remember the name 1337t1tz (c) The next time you see me, I will be able to take over your entire body.
EP 454 – Story #3 – You are an unconventionally attractive counter-cultural hacker girl who calls herself 1337t1tz.
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