EP 453 – Story #1 – You are a sad firecracker salesman who wants to be a famous hat salesman

Posted under Episode 453, Story On By Chief

You are a sad firecracker salesman who wants to be a famous hat salesman
. You want to go on TV to show off the new firecrackers, but the station doesn't take advertising for anything but hats and umbrellas, which you don't have. You've heard that some other company will give their ad-time away in order to gain publicity
.
> You meet the station owner Men Without Hats.


He's sitting there in front of the TV set with no hat at all on, watching some boring movie about a dog that wants its master's attention more than its owner wants its food, while his dog is just as hungry as ever and still has no master to serve.

> You put some dog food in a hat and hand it to the dog. The station owner is impressed.

"You've been selling firecrackers, have you? What kind?" says he without turning around from the TV set.
"No sir," says you sadly "I haven't got no hats at all, but I do have something else for you that will help get your name in the headlines."

> You hand him a hat made of roman candles.

The dog jumps up from the couch as if electrified, then runs around the living room barking wildly while its owner just laughs and says, "Well it is about time!" Then he turns and sees that your hat's made out of firecrackers instead.

> You pull out a match and hold it to your hat. "I'm gonna take the dog and the screen time and you're not gonna ignore me again, Dad!"

You light a stick of dynamite on fire in the bottom of the hat until all but a small wick are consumed by flame. You then toss the whole mess at Men Without Hats, hoping that some will hit him before they explode, which they do, blowing up his head right there on top of
 his bald head! Then you run away as fast as your legs will carry you!
***
This is an office with no one around. It seems to have been built into one end wall of a large factory building.

> You try to catch your breath and realize what you've done, but the dog has followed you.

The firecracker salesman has just blown up the station owner Men Without Hats, who was sitting there eating dog food while watching television, when he suddenly turns around and says "You blew my head clean off my body!"

> You realize the station owner is a cyborg!

He grabs you by the neck and throws you down on top of him as he sits back down in his big armchair with its huge television set. Then he pulls a remote out of his pocket, presses a few buttons and yells at the top of his voice for some kind of help to come to him
 right now or something bad will happen to someone else. The dog runs up, looks at Men Without Hats' bald head and goes back to its own TV set where it sits down on the couch again.

> You steal the dogs TV.

You reach out your hand towards that huge TV and try to pull it out from behind the big man in his big armchair. It won't come loose though, so you have no choice but throw him into the television set as hard as you can, hoping it will break him like a piece of kind
ling wood in an ax! The dog runs up to see what's going on, but then sees that its master has just been smashed into a bunch of little pieces by some crazy firecracker salesman with only half a head and decides that this is all just too boring anyway and turns back to its own
 TV.
The television screen cracks in the center and explodes into tiny little shards that scatter across the floor as you hear someone say "What did I do wrong?" from inside the television set. Then you look down at your hands, see them full of tiny bits of broken glass from inside the television set

> You feel your hands being pulled toward the TV by the tiny glass shards. You grab the dog by the collar as you are sucked into TV land.

You're standing in some kind of a living room, watching through a small window as two men in suits walk out into some kind of an office building with a sign outside that reads "Mortimer Fink's Law Offices".