EP 451 – Story #3 – You are Rob Eisenberg, the little brother to a dictator.

Posted under Episode 451, Story On By Chief

You are Rob Eisenberg, the little brother to a dictator. Your brother's political party keeps bigging you up as a great military leader but you actually want to have a desk job out of the spotlight. Your brother won't have any of it. One day you wake up to the sound of an explosion nearby
 and find yourself in the middle of a warzone!
Your only hope is to escape from this hellhole. You need money for food and shelter so you set off on your journey. As you walk through the forest you notice something strange about the trees.

You look at the trees and lean in for a kiss.
 They're kissing back...
Wait, what? What did I just see? A bunch of weird vines wrapping around these huge old trees and sucking their sap out of them!? The ground starts shaking as the earth rumbles beneath your feet.

You reveal your troubled past to the trees.
 "I've got problems."
The trees start talking amongst themselves.
"We know what we must do," says one tree. "Let us help you."
"You can be our king!"

The tree lists the following reasons to be turned into the Tree King:

1) We will protect you from all enemies.
2) You will provide us with nutrients.
3) You will give us energy.
4) You will keep us safe from disease.

You agree and are crowned the Tree King.
 All the other trees cheer and dance around you.
But then you hear the sounds of battle coming from somewhere else in the forest. You realize that your new subjects might not be too happy about having a human king.

You ban wood stoves to appease the populace and they want you to undergo treeification.
 The process involves being absorbed by the roots of the largest tree in the forest and becoming a part of its life cycle. But after some time has passed you discover that the trees have gone insane. They're attacking each other!

You realize that you are a terrible leader and you need the help of your dictator brother.
 You decide to flee the scene.
You run south until you reach a clearing. You hear voices coming from the west. You turn to see two men arguing over who owns a particular rock.
"Hey, if you guys are going to be fighting over rocks, I'm leaving."

You see your brother standing on the rock.
 He looks like he's enjoying himself.
"Who are you?" asks the man holding the rock.
"My name is Rob Eisenberg, my brother is the dictator."
"Oh yeah, that guy.

Your brother Rob tells you exactly how to handle being the Tree King:
 "First thing you should do is chop down those stupid trees and build me a palace."




You call together the leading trees of the forest.
 "I am the Tree King now. Let us begin by chopping down these useless trees and building you a palace."
"But..."
"No buts!" You shout. "Now get to work!"

The palace is made, your brother is happy and you finally have that desk you always wanted.
 Unfortunately, there's still no peace in the forest.
"Why aren't the trees chopping down your palace?"
"They refuse to listen to me. They're refusing to obey me!"
You go to confront the trees and they tell you that they're worried about the impact of your brother's
 dictatorship on the ecosystem.
"You need to stop worrying about humans!" You shout. "It's my job to protect you from them!"
"But what if they attack us?"
"Then I'll fight them off with my army of trees!"

You order all the trees and animals of the forest to attack your brother.
 The battle goes badly. Your brother escapes and you're left alone.
You go to your room and sleep. When you wake up you find that the trees have been defeated.
You go to visit your brother and find him sitting at his desk.

You stake your brother through the heart with your wood.

"What the fuck!?" Your brother cries.
"You were supposed to be protecting the forest!" You shout.
"You killed me!"
You feel guilty for killing your brother. You go to bury him in the forest but the trees don't let you.

So you burn down the forest and are all alone.
 You have nowhere to go. You try to make a home for yourself in the ruins of your brother's palace.
You spend days trying to find food. You eat rotting fruit and raw meat.