You are Lonely Tony. You have social anxiety, so whenever you interact with people, you are visibly shaken. You shake every time you see or hear someone. You shake every time something goes wrong. When it rains, you shake even more. You can't stand to be alone for too long, so when you're by yourself, you start thinking about all the things that went wrong in your life. You try to calm yourself by opening a jar of farts from a former reality star we bought for $800. The smell is nice, but you still feel like shit. "I'm not hungry." You say aloud. "I don't want any food right now." In an attempt to distract yourself, you look around the apartment and notice that there's no one else here. > You say "I should move in with my legal guardian, Jason, so I won't be alone anymore." It's been years since you've seen him. He was a really good friend, but he moved away after his parents died and you haven't heard anything from him since. He could use some company. > You yell "You knock on Jason's door and he opens the door and immediately sees the fart jar in your hand and begins to close the door. You stick your foot in the doorway and say "but I've got to get to the AIPD 2022 Naked charity Calendar, I'm the model for April and June!" He lets you inside. You take off your clothes as he watches, and soon you're naked except for the calendar. "You're going to pose for me again?" He asks. "Yeah, just for this calendar." The calendar is released and is a huge hit! You get a ton of letters from fans asking, "I want to subscribe to your Pootcrate!" You decide to do a series of calendars where you pose nude for different charities. At a charity event, Zach Snyder asks you, "I want to offer your a large amount of money to play the Batman villain Calendar Man in a film!" You accept and become super rich. You spend all your money on cars and clothes. Soon you are a big shot in Hollywood. Your social anxiety has gone down significantly because everyone wants to talk to you, but you still shake whenever someone says something funny. You're driving the stolen batmobile in the climactic final showdown when Joker deliver a one liner that makes you laugh " Haha, what? No, I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at the line itself." You drive off into the sunset, and your car explodes. You wake up naked in bed. You reveal your troubled past to Zach Snyder sitting next to your hospital bed. He tries to comfort you by saying, "You were born with a serious case of OCD and you need therapy." You continue to obsessively clean your room, and you keep thinking about how much better everything would be if you didn't have to worry about other people looking at you. You look at yourself in the mirror and realize you are permanently stuck shaking and nickname yourself "Lonely Tony". You go to a psychiatrist who gives you a prescription for Xanax. It helps, but you still think about how lonely you are most of the time. You decide to join the army.
EP 447 – Story #3 – You are Lonely Tony.
Posted under Episode 447, Story On By Chief