EP 447 – Story #2 – You are Johnny, a blue eyed boy from the old west.

Posted under Episode 447, Story On By Chief

You are Johnny, a blue eyed boy from the old west. You've learned one of life's cruelest lessons: that evil is bigger than your gun. So you followed the footsteps of a mysterious master to the far east where you learned the secrets of the sword and came back home with the heart of a gunman...and the soul of a samurai.
 And now it's time for revenge! You must track down those who took everything from you, even your honor! But there's something more insidious at work in this strange world. Something older than humanity itself.

You must face off against your arch nemesis Ave Maria, Crusader Nun.
 Her holy symbol of the cross glows with dark power as she wields her sword and shield with deadly skill. Only by learning the ancient ways of the samurai can you hope to defeat her.
But before you can engage in mortal combat, you must learn how to use your new weapons.

You venture to the mountains in search of an old master to teach you the ways of the sword.
 You find yourself on a rocky path winding up into the mountains. The air here is crisp and cool; but you're warm enough beneath your thick cloak. A lone raven caws loudly overhead. As you turn the corner around another outcropping of rock, you see a man standing in front of you
. He's wearing a long black robe and carrying a staff carved with runes. His eyes glow bright green as he stares at you. "Well, well," says the stranger. "A visitor to our mountain."

> You say "We seek the swordmaster."

He laughs, his voice deep and rumbling like distant thunder. "There are no masters of the blade here!" He gestures towards the edge of the cliff behind him. "The sword has been lost for centuries.
 No one knows its true nature anymore."
"I seek instruction in the art of the sword."
"No one would dare instruct you," sneers the old man. "For if you fail to learn what you need to know, I will have to kill you."

You tell the old man, "Only death waits for me at the bottom of this mountain. So let's have at it, old man."

The old man smiles, revealing sharp fangs. "Very well then, my young pupil. Let us begin."
In the center of the ring, you raise your sword and strike the ground with the hilt.

You defeat the old man and he gifts you the liquid sword from GZA.
 You take the weapon in hand and examine it closely. It seems to be made of some kind of crystalline material that shimmers and refracts light in a rainbow of colors. You notice that the sword is nearly weightless in your hands, yet somehow feels very heavy.

You meet Ave Maria at her mega church.  You say, "Since you're a nun, you must be a fan of Sister Act 2. If you surrender, I'll give you a copy of the film."

She glares at you, saying, "Never! I am a servant of God and will never kneel before any man!"

You square up and wield your Liquid Sword.

You clash blades, but the two of you seem evenly matched. You sense a strange energy coursing through your body, making you feel stronger and faster than normal. You look down at your sword and see that the surface of the blade is glowing with a pale white light.

You realize the sword is made of liquid cocaine.

You use the sword to slice open the belly of Ave Maria, spilling her entrails onto the floor. She screams in pain and fury as you drive the sword deeper into her gut.
You finish off Ave Maria with the Liquid Sword.

You lean in for a kiss.

You realize that your lips are numb and unresponsive. You struggle to move them.
You try to speak but nothing comes out. You try to move your arms and legs.
You realize that you're paralyzed.

You level up and gain the following cokehead powers:

You gain the ability to breathe underwater.
You gain the ability to heal yourself.
You gain the ability to turn yourself invisible.
You gain the ability to walk on walls.
You gain the ability to fly.

You fly back to the Rune master that gave you the sword and tell him your quest is completed.
 He gives you a bag full of gold coins and a bottle of wine. You thank him and return to the town.
You decide to visit the local brothel to celebrate your newfound wealth. You enter the establishment and find yourself in a dimly lit room filled with beautiful women.

You realize all the women look like Ave Maria.
 You ask one of the girls, "What happened to you?"
She looks at you and says, "I'm just a statue."
You ask, "Why do you look like Ave Maria?"

"Because I was made by the same person who created her."
You think about this for a moment. You remember that the woman who gave you the sword also had the power to create living statues.

> You say "I have statuephilia."

You realize that you can now own and control any living or dead statue. You wonder if you could get your hands on some of those sexy nuns...
You wander into a nearby bar and order a drink.