You are Gory Violence, a really nice guy who has a really scary name. Everyone fears you when they hear your name even though your just a Plumber living In Brooklyn. You are so Non-threatening that most of your close friends and family think you couldn't even harm a fly . But one day, after having a few too many beers at the local bar, you get into an argument with your best friend Eddie over something trivial. When he tells you to back off, you do not take no for an answer. > You shove Eddie and say "if Palpatine had used the ewoks as acolytes in Episode 9 he would have crushed Rei and Kylo!" Eddie says "What? What's wrong with you?" "I'm just saying," you tell him, "the Ewok army was doomed from the start." He laughs at this and says "yeah right! You're such a wuss." And that is why you decide to murder him. After all, he did insult your intelligence by calling you a wuss. And now it's payback time. > You say "Eddie, I pooped my pants. If you help me out, I'll forgive you." He looks up at you in confusion. "Huh?" You say "help me get to the bathroom and I will let you live." "What?" He says again. "Help me get to the bathroom and I won't kill you." > You say "You adjust your fedora and reveal the loaded pistol in your coat pocket and press it into Eddie's back." Eddie turns around in surprise. "What?" You pull the gun on him. "I said if you help me get to the bathroom I won't shoot you." He shrugs. > You shoot the piece of Star Wars memorabilia that Eddie loves the most. He screams and drops his beer mug. You laugh at this and say "that was funny." He says "no, no, no, NO!" "Yes, yes, yes, YES!" > You say "Eddie snaps and goes into a berserker rage." He charges at you and grabs you by the throat. You grab his wrists and try to pry them open but he is stronger than you. You feel like you're going to pass out. > You start to lose consciousness and drop the prop weapon on Eddie's foot. Eddie Howl's in pain and releases you. You fall backwards onto the floor. You can barely breathe. Eddie walks over to you and picks up the gun. "See," you wheeze, "you should have helped me..." Eddie feels sorry for you and says, " You're right. I'm sorry. Here, take this." He hands you the gun. "Thanks," you gasp. You stand up. You look down at the prop gun in your hand. > You realize you have really messed things up with Eddie, but you have to rush to the bathroom. You walk out of the apartment and head towards the bathroom. You can hear Eddie crying in the background. You make it there just as you see blood pouring from your mouth. You drop to your knees and vomit. > You look down and see you have been stabbed with Eddie's favorite nerd memorabilia weapon: The lightsaber belonging to Darth Maul. You look up at Eddie standing above you and say, "DAMN YOU!" Eddie falls to his knees beside you. "I'm so sorry," he says. E ddie tells you he had the higher ground. You say, "Yeah, yeah, I know." Eddie says, "I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean it. Please don't die." You say, "You're a real dick sometimes, you know that?" Eddie tries to revive you with some CPR but nothing seems to be working. You say, "Oh well. At least I got to see your face when I died." Eddie cries and says, "No, no, no! You can't go yet. You haven't seen my reaction yet." You say, "Oh, you want me to see it?" Eddie says, "Yes, please. I need closure." Eddie eases you to the ground and whispers in your ear, "The Ewoks would have never made it." You say, "How do you figure?" Eddie says, "Because I'm smarter than Palpatine." You say, "Whoa. That's pretty high praise." You swell with nerd rage, closing all your wounds and giving you the strength for the best nerd comeback line: "Well, duh!" You say, "You just killed me off in Episode 9 because you were too scared to face me. I am going to haunt you forever!" Eddie says, "That's not true. It was a good death scene. You deserved it." You say, "Yeah, yeah. I totally deserved it." You look up at Eddie and say, "You're welcome." And then you die. *Ave Maria* slow zoom out *Panning shot of courtroom set* Judge: "Order in the court!" Assistant DA: "Your honor, we call Miss Amanda Young to the stand." Miss Young enters the room.
EP 447 – Story #1 – You are Gory Violence, a really nice guy who has a really scary name.
Posted under Episode 447, Story On By Chief