You are Sir Chwimple, a knight in the Kingdom of Carbatry. You are whittling your day away guarding the throne room when suddenly, the court wizard bursts into the room and says " Sire! The princess is missing!" "Missing? How could that be?" you ask. The wizard then tells you that a large force of goblins has invaded the castle and kidnapped Princess Cissela, who was supposed to marry Prince Zadir today. You ask for a squire for your journey, and the wizard conjures your squire, a young boy named Tarlton. He's eager to go with you on this adventure, but he doesn't have any armor or weapons. What do you do? *** "Where should we start looking?" You hop off Tony from AIPD's treadmill and tell Tarlton that you know of a shady goblin bar where you can find some leads. He agrees to come along, and after getting his gear together, you head out to the town. The streets are filled with people going about their daily lives. Most of them seem oblivious to the threat of war and goblins invading their kingdom. You take a seat at the bar and order a drink for yourself, Tarlton, and the blubberbutt goblin sitting next to you. The bartender pours three glasses of beer and sets them down before you. You look over at the other patrons and see that they're all drinking alcohol as well. Tarlton grabs one of the beers and takes a big gulp. All the goblins stop what they are doing and stare at Tarlton for not chanting the goblin blessing before drinking. You remember and chant it as loud as you can: "O Great Goblin God, I thank thee for this gift. May it strengthen my body and soul." The goblins cheer and clap for you, but you ignore them. "So, Tarlton," you say. You notice that Tarlton has struck up a conversation with a goblin prostitute and she has revealed an interesting bit of information about the princesses' whereabouts. She says that there is a secret passage in the castle that connects to the sewers. You ask her how she knows this and she tells you that she overheard a guard talking about it. She also told you that she had been paid by the princesses to keep quiet about it. You take your leave of the goblin bar and their sexy prostitutes, for there are knightly duties to be had. You and Tarlton venture to the castle to find the secret entrance to the sewers. You find the hidden door and open it up, only to find a bunch of goblins waiting for you. They're holding a screaming Cissela hostage. "Ack!" you exclaim. You deeply bow and say to the goblins "what a fine hostage you have. Would you be willing to trade for my supple manboy." you wink at Tarlton. The goblins exchange looks among themselves. One of them speaks up. "Why would we want a human?" "Oh, he's a good fighter," you say. "And he's got a sword." You sweeten the deal and tell the goblins of a very special skill that Tarlton has: He can turn into a wolf! They immediately accept the offer and let Tarlton go free. You give him back his clothes and weapons and watch as he transforms into a werewolf. "Thanks," he says, panting heavily. You return Princess Cissela to her quarters and she thanks you by saying, " You saved me." She then asks if you would like to join her in bed. You blush and stammer, "I...uh...would love to..." The two of you retire to her chambers, and the night is full of passion and romance. You are awoken the next morning by the bridesmaid screaming when she sees you in bed with the princess. You quickly dress and rush to the throne room to face the wrath of the king and the rest of the royal family. You explain to them what happened last night, and they're not angry at you. Next time on "Sir Chiwmple's Love Quest": What will happen when the princess finds out you've been sleeping with her sister? *** "We need to get out of here," you say. "But how?" Tarlton asks.