"Welcome to the Apollo Space Station. This is the station where we have our NASA astronauts go through their astronaut training! We’ll give you a quick tour and then I’ll introduce the next crew member, Mr. Steven Grant Rogers. He will be joining us on Mars for a very short period of time" The tour was not long. The only things that were really interesting to me were the two large cylindrical tanks that held liquid oxygen and liquid hydrogen fuel. They had been in space for years and they looked as if they could last forever. The following message plays over the PA system on the Apollo Space Station: "Our space station is sponsored by Jason from AIPD. Do you all know what AIPD is?" I did not, but I knew who Jason was. He was a star in my world. He was a big man with lots of muscles and he liked to wear tight clothes. In fact, he wore nothing at all. You are introduced to your captain, who instructs you to your first test. He leads you to a room with a table that only has a little rock that looks like a shell and has an alien insect inside on it. The captain locks the door behind you. You can hear him talking to someone outside the door. "This is the beginning of the game. It is called the Test. Each player must take turns placing one or more rocks on the table. When all the rocks have been placed, each player will reveal his hand and the person who collected the most points wins. If there is a tie, we will play again until someone collects enough points to win." The inner walls of the room collapse to reveal a large area full of the strange rocks, with other test subjects with their own tables lining the outer wall. Some of your competition are not human. One has tentacles. Another has a head like a lion. There are others that look like giant insects, some that look like they have no legs at all, and many that look like the rocks. You see a fire extinguisher on the far wall, and rush over to grab it. You run back to your table and hurl the heavy metal cylinder at the aliens, hitting them with a loud bang. The aliens scream in pain and panic as the fire extinguisher falls to the ground. You grip your stomach and say, "I pooped in my spacesuit. I need somebody to change me." The captain says, "You have to find the bathroom yourself." You stand up and walk to the door. You open it and step out into the hallway. You turn around and the captain is right behind you. You rush down the hall looking for the bathroom, but accidentally run into the crew quarters. You pass several closed doors before you stop at one that has a sign saying "Bathroom." You open the door and step inside. It's dark, so you flip on the light switch. When your eyes adjust to the light, you realize the toilet is occupied by a huge beast that looks like a lion crossed with a dinosaur. The creature is facing away from you and he has a tail that seems to be attached to his rear end. You freeze, staring at the beast. You notice a handheld device called a 'scooper' designed to intercept the floaters. You pull it off the wall and use it to clean up your mess. You finish cleaning up and leave the bathroom. You walk down the hall and continue searching for the bathroom. You pass a room with three doors. The middle door is open and you can see inside. You peer inside and see a small woman sitting on a chair. She has long brown hair and she looks very tired. She looks at you and smiles. "Hi," she says. "Um, hi," you reply. You realize that your floaters have come to life and started playing poker in one of the crew quarters. "How did you get in here?" you ask. "Oh, I'm the janitor. I've been watching you since you came in. I love this game. I don't know how you do it, but I have never seen anything like it." One of the turds throws down a pair of shitty and yells pocket 2's . "Shit!" you yell. "That's not a good start," the janitor says. "It's not over yet. I have something I want to show you." You get closer and you see: - A giant cockroach with a huge cock. - A snake with a penis. - A bear with a very hairy ass. "What the fuck?" you say. "I don't know either," the janitor replies. Next time on "Apollo Space Training Shenanigans": *** You're in the kitchen making dinner. Your mom comes home and tells you to go to your room. You tell her you are cooking dinner for your friends. "Why can't you just make a pizza?"