EP 432 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 432, Story On By Chief

You are Mony, Tony's brother, who is about to get married. You are at your wedding with your bride when you are asked if you'll take this woman to be your wife. You put your hand on your chin, while thinking about what to say. You walk up to Tony and ask him what to do. Tony tells you to not get married. You walk up to your bride and say, "I can't marry you." The bride says, "What?" You say, "I respect Tony's wishes." The bride looks upset, but Tony looks happy.
 She walks away from the table and sits down.
Tony says, "Mony, I don't want you to get married. I know that you love her. But she's a slut."

Tony reveals that he slept the bride.
 She was so distraught over losing her virginity that she agreed to let Tony fuck her in exchange for a marriage proposal. She has since had sex with every man in town.
"How do you know this?"

Your bride grabs the Emcee's microphone and says "WELL Tony
! You just got fucked by my husband!" Everyone starts booing and laughing at Tony. Your wife storms off stage, leaving Tony alone.
You go back to the hotel room where you live with your wife.

Before you can talk with your wife, you hear a noise in the bathroom.  You rush over and swing open the door to see: The Necromaniac.
 He is masturbating furiously. You yell at him, and he looks up at you. His eyes are wide and wild, like a rabid animal.
"I'm going to eat your soul, Mony."

He covers you in a spray of necrospunk and begins to chant "
Dinner is served." You try to run away, but his energy surrounds you and holds you tight. You feel yourself being sucked into a vortex.
You and Tony have been friends for years, ever since you were kids.

You reveal to your wife, "I'm secretly jealous of Tony. He has Jason as a legal guardian, but I don't."

"Why not?"
"Jason is a total douchebag. He has no money and is always broke. He won't even let me touch his stuff."
"That doesn't sound very nice," says your wife.

You look around and notice your new surrounding after being sucked through the vortex:
 A desert landscape with an oasis in the middle. There are palm trees, and a big house in the distance.
"I think we're dead, and this is heaven," you say.

You walk towards the big house and swing open the large front door.
 Inside, there is a living room, with a fireplace and couches. You sit down on one couch, and Tony sits next to you.
"Where are we?"
"We're dead, and this is heaven," you reply.

As you ponder why you are here, the Necromaniac walks out from the kitchen and says, "Dinner is served."  You look at the table and are shocked to see that he has prepared the following items for the meal:

-A bucket of human heads
-A bowl full of intestines
-An armless skeleton
-A pile of bones
-A severed head
-A severed leg
-A decapitated torso
-Two buckets of blood
"I hope you like spaghetti," says the Necrom
You look at Tony and ask, "Is this normal?"
"No," replies Tony. "He hasn't done anything like this before."
The Necromaniac brings the food to the table and sets it down.

You are so thirsty from the desert heat you drink a cup of blood. it tastes like pennies.
 You begin to eat the spaghetti. It's awful. It tastes like ash. You gag and spit it all over the floor.
"What's wrong?" asks Tony.
"This isn't spaghetti," you reply.

The Necromaniac is offended and yells at you:
 "It's a metaphor for the suffering of life. You can't expect me to make something delicious when you can't even handle the flavor."
"Oh, sorry," you say.
You continue eating the spaghetti.

The Necromaniac mushes your face between his skeletal hands and loudly whispers "Can you taste the flavor?!"

You respond, "Yeah, I can taste it. It's gross."
"Good," says the Necromaniac. "Now that you've tasted the flavor, you should be able to understand the metaphor.

You look at Tony and go, "So... this is Hell, right?"

"Yes," says Tony. "And we're here because we weren't good enough Christians."
"That's ridiculous," you scoff. "If God wants us dead, why would he send us to a desert wasteland?

The Necromaniac slams his fist on the table and yells, "Shut up and eat your skeleton:
 I didn't make you to talk."
You begin to cry and apologize, but the Necromaniac just shoves your face into the pile of bones.
"You're not sorry at all," he scoffs.

Next time on "Deserts Diners and Dives":
 Tony and you will eat a hot dog.
You and Tony have been friends for years, ever since you were kids.
You reveal to your wife, "I'm secretly jealous of Tony.