EP 431 – Story #2

You are Frederick Ramsbottom, a Student at the Highy Prestigious Private School Ravensworth Academy in Upstate New York, unfortunately you are at risk of being expelled for Below Par Grades and disappointing your Parents. You have a cunning plan to save yourself from being expelled which is as follows:
 1) To start a war with the United States of America 2) To be the first person to make contact with an alien life form 3) To be the only person to survive the ensuing nuclear holocaust.

You decide to pick option
 three because you believe that it will provide you with the best chance of survival. If you were to be expelled then your parents would disown you and there would be no one left to inherit the Ramsbottom fortune, which would pass on to your cousin Andrew.

Nicholas Cage, your friend who is always at your side, helps you survive by letting you move into his bunker.
 He has also told you about the aliens. You don't know how much he knows but you trust him and you want to help him escape before the aliens arrive.
You decide that you need some kind of weapon so you go to the local gun shop.

You walk into the gun shop and find your cousin Andrew behind the counter. He wants your inheritance.
 He's been sent here by your parents to get rid of you.
"I'm not going anywhere," you say. "There's no way I can afford this place without my inheritance."
"Then give me your money," says Andrew.

Suddenly, Nicolas Cage bursts into the gun store. He slaps cousin Andrew and tells him to stop being a bully.
 Then he picks up a pistol and aims it at Andrew.
"Stop!" you yell.
Cage turns around and looks at you.
"He's not worth saving," says Cage.

Cage pulls the hammer back on the gun
 and points it at Andrew's head.
"Wait! Stop!" you scream.
But he doesn't listen. He shoots Andrew in the head and drops dead.
You try to grab the gun but Cage knocks you aside.

You reach for anything to defend yourself with and grab a taser. You taser Nicolas' balls
 and send him flying out of the door.
You look up and see the aliens approaching. They're giant creatures with red skin, white eyes and huge teeth. Their hands end in claws. You fire the taser at them but they easily dodge it.

You realize the aliens are just sunburned Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
 You drop the taser and run outside.
You jump into your car and drive away. But the aliens follow you. You can't shake them off. The next thing you know, you crash your car into a tree.

You look over and notice they have also crashed into a tree.  They all stumble out of the car and you notice they are piss drunk and horny.
 They're also naked.
"What the fuck?" you ask.
"Hey, baby," says one of the women. She's wearing a necklace that says 'Babes.' "We're looking for some pussy."

The housewives swarm you, trying to slip a ring on you finger so they can claim half your inheritance.
 You manage to fight them off and run back inside the house.
You climb the stairs and see a door that says "Basement". You open the door and step into the basement. It's dark down here and there is a sign that says "Danger: Do Not Enter."

You ignore the sign and walk in only to be surrounded by the Housewives.  You panic and yell, "I pooped my pants. Will somebody change me?"

They laugh at you and one of them grabs your hand. She leads you to a room where she starts taking off your clothes.
"Hey," you say. "That's my shirt."

Nick shows up before the Housewife can fully undress you and begins to slap.

"Get off him," he says.
She ignores him and continues to strip you.
"Leave him alone," says Nick.
"Don't tell me what to do, punk," she snarls.

Nic begins having sex with the Housewife.

"No!" you cry.
The woman looks at you and smirks.
"He's a virgin," she says.
You begin to cry and Nick tries to comfort you.
"It's ok, kid," he says.

Next time on "Real Housewives of Alpha Centari":

"How dare you?" you hear someone say.
You turn around and see that you're in the middle of a crowd of angry women.
"This is our territory," one of them growls.