EP 429 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 429, Story On By Chief

You go camping alone in the woods. It is midnight, you've finally finished setting up your camp.  You're laying in your tent, finishing off a bottle of water and staring at your sleeping bag, trying to decide if you want to hit the sack. You then hear a sound that catches you off guard. The sound of running. You sit up, your mind racing. It could be a wild animal, but you find that highly unlikely. The wilderness is prime hunting grounds for animals, and you're in no position to fight anybody. The only thing you have available to you is your trusty fishing knife. You pull out your knife, grabbing a flashlight in the same hand and sitting up. Outside your tent, you see nothing. You hear the sound of twigs cracking, and then you see a figure, running towards your tent.
 Your heart races as you watch him run closer, his breathing heavy and labored. He's dressed all in black with a hood over his head, making it impossible to tell who he is or what they look like.

You yell "halt" at the man.
 This doesn't stop him though; instead, he keeps coming, and you quickly realize that this guy has more than just one leg. As he gets closer, you can see that his right foot isn't attached to his body.

You kick a bag of Tony from AIPD's hair in the man's face.
 You hope that would get him to stop, but he just laughs and picks up speed. In an instant, you realize that there are two people chasing you. One is the large man you fought earlier, and the other is a woman wearing a white dress.

You point your knife at the man, and brace for impact.
 But before you know it, both men fall to the ground, and you see them grappling with each other. The woman runs past you, screaming for help. She looks back, sees you, and points at you.

Gilbert Gottfried comes to your rescue. Loudly.
 He grabs the woman by her arm and pulls her away from you. The large man then rolls over onto his stomach, holding the smaller man down with his weight. You turn around, stunned.
"What the hell?"

The small man pushes himself up on his hands, still holding the large man down. His legs are missing below the knee, but he somehow manages to stand upright.
"Get out of here!"

You realize all of these people must work at the nearby circus.
 You don't recognize any of them, so you leave them to their business.
You wake up in bed, a cold sweat covering your brow.
"Shit," you say aloud.
Your name is Jacob Robinson, and you live in Los Angeles, California.

You turn to see Gilbert sitting next to you.  You ask Gilbert, "What happened last night?"

Gilbert says, "I'm not sure."
You then grab a pen and paper, writing down everything that happened.
"You didn't tell me about any of this shit," you say, pointing at your notes.

You head to the circus grounds to find out more.

A few hours later, you walk into the circus office.
"Excuse me," you say to the receptionist.
She looks up from her paperwork. "Yes? Can I help you?"

You yell, "I want the circus manager NOW!"

The receptionist gives you a funny look. "He's busy."
You grab her by the throat, squeezing until she's gasping for air.
"NOW! Or else!"
She nods, and calls out, "Mr. McPherson!
 We have a visitor!"
The circus manager walks out of his office.
"Hello, young man. What can I do for you?"
You let go of the receptionist, who's now coughing and wheezing.

You complain about how his employees ruined your camping trip.

"My camping trip? Are you referring to last night?"
Yes t
he camping trip I took with a bunch of friends, where we set up a tent and slept under the stars."

"Oh, yes. Yes, that camping trip. That was... quite a harrowing experience. Those people were quite violent."
"How did they get away?"
"Well, they managed to escape after the police arrived."

You call the police and form a search party.

After searching for hours, you finally catch sight of the escaped criminals. They're standing in the middle of a field, laughing and having a good time.
"You caught us," one of the men says.

You politely ask the police to rough the men up.

"That's not necessary. We're willing to surrender peacefully."
"I'm afraid that won't be possible. These people are dangerous."
"We'll take our chances," another man says.

You make a peace offering and put in a laserdisc of "Madea's Lerd Of The Rings" to watch together.

The three men accept your offer, and the cops escort them away.
You give the receptionist a big hug.
"Thank you," you say.
"No problem. It was my pleasure," she replies.

You give the receptionist an affectionate choke for old time's sake.

Then you head back to your room to sleep off your hangover.
You wake up the next morning, feeling much better.
You decide to visit the circus again today.
A few hours later, you walk into the circus office.

Next time on "Circus Twerkus":

It's the day before Halloween, and you're ready to trick-or-treat.
You've got your costume picked out.
"What should I wear?"
Gilbert says, "Why don't you just be yourself?"