EP 425 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 425, Story On By Chief

You are Kid Jason. It's the day after Halloween and you went super overboard. You ate way too much candy! You wake up in a hospital. The doctor says they have to pump your stomach. You have a better idea:
 "Just get me out of here!" And then you do just that, walking out of the emergency room with an IV still hooked up to your arm.
The nurse at your bedside is named Mary Ellen.

You notice that your IV is filled with chocolate syrup.
 Chocolate syrup? That means she was feeding you some sort of drug through it...
Mary Ellen smiles as she hands you one more syringe. She pushes a button on its side and suddenly the needle appears from nowhere, glistening with black liquid.

Suddenly, the doctor runs up, holding a pipe bomb. He says he will detonate if you leave the hospital.
 Your mom arrives, looking frantic and pale. "I'm sorry," she tells him. "He's my son."
"It doesn't matter who he is," snarls the doctor.

You reveal your troubled past to the doctor.
 In fact, he seems impressed by how many people have tried to kill you over the years. Maybe there's hope for this guy yet. But he still wants to lock you up until someone comes to claim you.

Your doctor tries to cure you candy addiction by handing you a bag labeled "Chocolate Bars". The bag contains turds instead of chocolate.

"Oh, God!" you cry. "This isn't happening!"
The doctor tells you that he can only help you if you give him something valuable. So what would be valuable enough to convince you to stay put?

You decide to give the doctor
 your kidney. You hand it over without hesitation.
That night, you go home and take off your shirt. Then you open a jar of peanut butter. You smear it all over your body, smearing yourself with every last bit of the sticky stuff.

The doctor appears with another pipe bomb. This one is on a timer. He throws it at your back, and it sticks to the peanut butter.

"Get away from me!" you scream. "I'll kill you!"
But he ignores you. Instead, he sets his sights on your heart. He grabs hold of the bomb and pulls it away from your skin.

You pull out your pipe bong and take a fat rip.
 "Ooh," you say. "Peanut butter really hits the spot."
The doctor laughs. He looks like he has found a new toy.
And now you're stuck in the hospital.

You need to conquer your addiction if you are going to leave this hospital with all your organs.  You attempt to replace your candy addiction with
 a craving for drugs.
First, you find some heroin. You inject yourself with the stuff and immediately feel great. It takes the edge off your hunger pangs. But you also feel sickly.

You tell the nurse, "how can I be stuck in a hospital if I wanted to be here in the first place? this is all part of my master plan since they don't celebrate Birthdays here ! *Evil Luaghter*"

She gives you a pill that makes you vomit. You throw up the pills and the heroin.
Next, you try cocaine. Cocaine hits your brain hard and fast, but you quickly become addicted.

You spend the next three days in a nightclub
 called Club Coke. You dance and drink and get high and you make friends with two other junkies. One of them, a skinny redhead named Chelsea, becomes your girlfriend.
But when you go to her house to fuck, you discover that she has been cheating on you.

You attack the husband.
 He screams and runs out of the house.
Chelsea slaps you. "Why did you do that?" she asks. "We were so happy together."
"I'm sorry," you say.

Chelsea hands you rehab admission papers.
 "Go get your life straightened out," she tells you. "I'm moving out."
You sign the papers.
You head down to the gym. You meet some other addicts and start training.

You decide to try steroids.
 You take them and end up in a coma.
Finally, you visit the clinic and ask about the kidney replacement program. They tell you that you are not eligible.
"I have to live with my parents," you say.

You slam PCP protein shakes and make yourself eligible.

Then you go to the doctor. "Kidney," you say. "I want my kidney back."
"I'm afraid I cannot do that," says the doctor. "It's too dangerous."

Next on "50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy":

You visit the doctor. He tells you that he can't do anything for you.
"I have to live with my parents," you say.
You visit the doctor. He tells you that he can't do anything for you.