EP 422 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 422, Story On By Chief 

You're Francis Winchester a salesman for the energy drink Zoom. One day you wake up to discover that the world is now suddenly completely owned by the Zoom company. A robot shaped like a can of Zoom energy drink approaches you and says
, "Welcome to your new life! I am your new boss." You have no choice but to work for him until one day he decides to destroy everything in sight just because it's fun or something.

Your robot boss gives you the task of emptying all the office trash cans. As you follow the robot in you say "I majored in
 English at Yale" as if that means anything to this machine. He tells you there will be more robots everywhere soon so you need to keep collecting trash cans from around town. The first thing he wants you to do is get rid of the old can lids which are being used to build some kind of
 giant metal pyramid on top of an abandoned factory somewhere downtown. Your job is to go out into the city with a truck and collect all those lids.
The problem is that when you try to find them they don't seem to exist anymore.

You notice raccoons running wild all over the city.  One even has a pair of Cory's ripped up clothes in it's maw.  You follow this Raccoon to a mysterious trash can that seems way larger than the others.  You get and find out it is a spaceship that is taking off and heading for the Zoom Headquarters which is based on Mars.
 You follow the ship as it flies through space.
When you arrive at the headquarters building you see a large robot with a strange design standing next to the door. It looks very similar to the one you were following earlier.

You hear what sounds like your boss having a secret meeting and you overhear him say, "These lids are gonna make great rims."  You burst open the door and notice your boss with a large stockpile of trash can lids.
 He explains to you that the lids are going to be used to form a massive metal wall around the base of the headquarters building.
He tells you that the wall is only temporary and will eventually be replaced with a much sturdier metal structure.

Your robot boss starts to walk towards you while carrying on his conversation with Xzibit, host of Pimp My Trash Can. Robot Boss introduces you Xzibit and says "you will be Mr. the Xzibits new assistant and bodyguard"

Xzibit responds, "So I'm supposed to take care of this guy? Dude is a freakin' mess!"
Robot Boss tells Xzibit that you are not a freakin' mess.

You arrive at Zoom energy drink headquarters and ask Xzibit what you need to do because no one has really explained what your job really is.
 Xzibit tells you to start working immediately.
After you finish your shift at work you come home and tell Cory about your new job. She tells you she doesn't want you to go back to work and that you should stay home.

You defy Cory and try to work the late shift when you notice a secret meeting happening at the Zoom HQ.  You overhear Zoom Zoomerson, CEO of Zoom Energy drink, making a deal to liquidate the company.

You rush to the meeting and interrupt the proceedings by telling Zoom Zoomerson that you are the new Assistant to the Xzibits.  You explain that you need to stop the sale of Zoom energy drinks and that you have found a way to get rid of the company.

Zoom Zoomerson entertains your idea and asks "What's your plan? If I like it you'll be my new VP of marketing." You respond "what? no one told me you got paid for a job? Well I am a English Major, the only jobs I've had was trying to get my AIPD fanfic published"

Zoom Zoomerson laughs and says "You are fired!"
You run outside and notice the raccoon from earlier is sitting in a trash can.  You pick it up and it turns into a raccoon girl.

You go home to Cory and the racoon girl follows.

Cory tells you that you can't bring anyone home.
You say "Fine, I'm leaving."
You drive to the raccoon girl's house and you see her father is a raccoon man.

On the next episode of "Rabies in the House!":

"My name is Francis Winchester and this is my wife, Cory. We live in a small apartment complex in the suburbs. Cory works as a dental assistant. She's pretty hot and we have a great sex life.