EP 421 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 421, Story On By Chief

You're a mimic. You were disguised as a chair in a dungeon when an adventurer decided to take you as loot. You've actually enjoyed your life ever since as furniture in a jolly tavern. So when some ruffians try to rob the now-elderly adventurer's business, you finally reveal yourself.
 The owner of this establishment is a paladin and he decides that rather than fight off these scoundrels by himself, it would be better for him to have his old friend Bovine come along.

One of the ruffians picks you up to swing at the owner, and you start to eat the ruffians fingers.
 It's only later that night after they've all been locked away in cells that the owner reveals how much of a help you were during their little battle with the thieves. He offers you something warm to drink which is always nice but also tells you about your new home: "Your name?

You tell the owner your name is Mimi.
 I'm not sure what he means by my “new home” because I don't really know where we are right now or even if there is anything else like me here. But you decide to accept his offer anyway because you want to get out of that dank cell as soon as possible.

You look around and notice that all the furniture in the paladin's tavern appears to be fellow mimics.  The Paladin does not seem to know this, and you decide to keep it a secret.  You sneak in to the tavern after hours and attempt to communicate with your fellow mimics.
 Unfortunately, none of them can understand you so you settle on using sign language. After a few days of communicating through hand signals, you learn that most of the other furniture is named "Bovine" (I guess that makes sense), "Minty", "Hornet", "Pig
gy", and "Vulpine". You also find out that one of the chairs has the name "Foxtrot" and another is called "Golf." You also discover that there is a group of human adventurers who visit the tavern regularly and they appear to be friends with the paladin.

As the paladin's friends relax and sit down, a group of shady men arrive at the tavern and take seats in a corner booth.
 One of the men approaches the table of humans and introduces himself as "Mr. Smith". He asks if any of the humans are willing to join his crew of thugs and robbers. No one seems interested, so Mr. Smith leaves.

You overhear the Paladin say, "You know what I love? AIPD! AIPD is the best. The people that run AIPD are amazing."

You hear the sound of metal clashing and then a loud bang followed by the door to the tavern being kicked open. In walks a large man wearing armor and carrying two swords. He strides directly to the bar and orders three drinks from the bartender.

The armored man says "you will have to lift the drinks for me, I dare not disarm myself, there could be mimics anywhere.
 Also, I need a place to hide while I wait for my comrades to return. Do you have any empty rooms?"
The paladin answers, "Yes, but I don't think you'll like them.

The large man does not heed the Paladin's warning and stays the night.  You and your fellows mimics gather and prepare to take your revenge on this mimic slayer.  The large awakes to see himself surrounded by mimics.
 He tries to escape but ends up getting stabbed repeatedly. As the mimics attack him, he starts to bleed heavily. He screams in pain and collapses onto the floor.
You grab the large man's sword and pull it out of his body.
 Blood is everywhere and you feel sickened. You quickly clean the blade and put it back into its sheath. You leave the room and lock the door behind you.
In the morning, the Paladin knocks on the door.

The Paladin sees the carnage in the room, then goes downstairs and tell you that you will have to cover the large man's cleaning deposit for the room.
 You do not care about the money and just hope that the Paladin will not mention what happened to anyone.
You head to the local brothel to get laid. You pick out a prostitute who is pretty and blonde.

You get a pro

e to sit on your face.
 She rides you hard and fast until you cum. You ask her if she wants more but she declines.
You pay her and leave. You walk around town for a bit before heading back to the tavern.

You notice the Paladin has put all the mimic furniture out to curb.
 You go inside and see the Paladin sitting at the bar. He smiles and waves you over. You notice that the Paladin's arms are covered in bandages. You ask him why.
He tells you that he was attacked by mimics last night and had to fight off the attackers.

The Paladin tells you that dead customers are bad for business that he can't knowingly keep a tavern full of mimics around.
 So, he needs to kill them all. You are surprised that the Paladin would resort to such measures but you also realize that it might be a good idea to make yourself scarce for a while.
So, you decide to take the Paladin up on his offer and move into the paladin's house.

You sneak into the paladins home and take a cushion off another chair and assume your humble life as a chair.

One day, you hear a knock at the door. You look up to see the Paladin standing there with an angry expression on his face.
"I have been informed that you are a mimic," he says.

The Paladin sits on your and farts.

"You smell like shit!" he yells.
The Paladin stands up and smacks you across the side of your head. You fall to the ground unconscious. The Paladin drags you into the kitchen and ties your hands together with a rope.

You realize your days are numbered and you make an impassioned speech to the paladin to spare your life.

He grabs you by the neck and lifts you up to eye level.
"If you ever speak to me again or try to use your magic against me, I will kill you."
The paladin lets you drop and leaves the house.

Next time on "Chair Cheers":

The next day, you wake up tied to a chair in the paladin's kitchen. You are completely naked. You hear the door open and close. You hear a chair scrape the floor.