EP 420 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 420, Story On By Chief

You are Frank Johnson, a badass air marshal. An hour into your flight, the pilot announces he will be making an emergency landing in a dark field outside the zombie infested city of Killadelphia. It is your duty to protect the passengers and lead them to safety.
 As you land, you see that it's not just zombies but also humans who have turned—and they're coming for you! You must fight through waves of enemies as you make your way to freedom.

You notice a pile of zombie turds and realize zombies are near.  You run into the bar and meet The Gang from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
 They give you some advice on how to survive. Then Charlie Chaplin appears, holding his cane like he always does when something serious happens. He tells you about Pennywise the Dancing Clown and how to kill him.

You realize Charlie Chaplin is actually Charlie from "Its always sunny in Philadelphia". Charlie twiddles his fake mustache at you.
 This makes Frank very angry. Before he can get any more crazy, however, he notices two women dressed up as strippers, dancing with each other. One has a big smile on her face while the other one looks down sadly.

Frank points at the sad stripper and says "YOU!"

The happy stripper turns around and sees Frank pointing at her. She smiles even bigger than before and gives Frank a hug.
"I'm so glad you're here," she says. "It's been such a long time since I've had fun."

You ask, "isn't this the place where they filmed that Movie called "Philidelphia" starring My favorite Actor Tom Hanks?"

"Oh my god! You're right!" the happy stripper exclaims. "Tom Hanks was amazing in that movie! We should go see it together sometime!"
She takes your hand and leads you out of the bar.

You notice a horde of zombies is approaching and you rush back in and barricade the door.  You ask Dee if she has any weapons hidden the bar.  Dennis chimes in and says, "Dee's got those nasty bird talons."  Everyone laughs except Dee.
 She says, "Nope, sorry boys."
Then, Charlie Chaplin appears behind you and says, "Hi guys! Thanks for having me over."
Everyone looks at him confused.
Charlie continues, "I'm Charlie from 'Philadelphia' and I wanted to thank you all for helping me
 rescue the stripper girl from the evil clown. I hope we can be friends now."
Dennis asks, "What the fuck? Did you say you were from Philly?"
Charlie continues, "Yeah, I'm from Philly, but I left because people there don't appreciate my talent.

You notice a picture of Jason, a mad scientist who turns people who have big birthday parties into zombies, on the wall.
 You wonder why he would leave such a great place.
Charlie continues, "But now I'm back to help you fight the evil clown."
Everyone seems really excited by this news.
Charlie says, "Come on, let's go save the stripper girl!"

You say, "Charlie, she's got a huge bite mark!"

Charlie responds, "That's fine. I'll just turn her into a zombie too."
You are stunned by this revelation.
Charlie continues, "Hey, you want to come with us?"

Charlie shows you a picture on his phone of Pennywise and you recognize its Mac from "Its always sunny in Philadelphia".

You say, "No thanks. I think I'll stay here."
Everyone starts arguing about whether or not you should join them.
Charlie says, "Alright, fine. If you guys need anything else, feel free to ask me."

Frank hands you a Boomstick.

You look at the gun and say, "This is a fucking boom stick!"
Dennis says, "Yeah, but it's still better than nothing."
The Happy Stripper says, "Okay, let's do this!"

Everyone turns around slowly to see the Happy Stripper is actually a zombie controlled by Pennywise.  She attacks and you use your boomstick.
  The stripper bites you in the neck and you fall unconscious.
When you wake up, you find yourself in a room with a bunch of strange men. One of them is a giant black guy with dreadlocks.

You know this man is
 named Big Daddy.
Big Daddy says, "So, you're the new recruit."
You say, "Yes sir."
He asks, "Do you have any questions?"
You say, "How do you kill zombies?"

Big Daddy teaches you the simplest way to kill zombies:

You grab the zombie's head and rip off their face.
After you kill the first zombie, you realize that this may be the most efficient method to take out a horde of zombies.
As you are thinking about this, the last remaining stripper woman approaches you.

Charlie appears with an invention that he fashioned from a vacuum cleaner and says "Hey guys, check this out I call it my
 'Zombie Vacuum'."
You ask, "Why did you name it that?"
Charlie explains, "Because it sucks the brains out of zombies!"
The stripper says, "Oh my god!

The strippers brain is sucked out.  Charlies finishes his sentence, "... and strippers!"

Everyone cheers and you hear Charlie say, "I win."
Charlie says, "Now we can get out of here and fight Pennywise."
The stripper says, "Wait, what?

One of the stripper zombies says "Oh my god Becky, look at that brain! It's just ... so ... fat." and begins to drool uncontrollably
Everyone looks at the stripper zombie and then at each other in confusion.
Dennis says, "Hey, I know you."
The stripper zombie says, "Oh my god!

You brace for an attack, but stripper zombie does not detect any bran activity in the room.

Dennis says, "It's been a while since I saw you."
Dennis grabs the stripper zombie and throws it against the wall.
The stripper zombie hits the wall hard enough to break a few ribs.

Dennis gets enraged that the zombies ignore him.

Dennis says, "Fuck you!"
He then turns around and slaps the stripper zombie across the face.
The stripper zombie falls down unconscious.
Dennis looks at everyone and says, "Alright, let's get the fuck out of here."

Next on time on "It's Always Dark in Killadelphia":

* * *
Chapter 7 - It's Always Sunny in Killadelphia (Part 2)
"Hey, Dennis. What's up?"
Dennis says, "Man, it's always dark in Killadelphia."