EP 419 – Story #1

You are Scarey Gygax, creator of the tabletop RPG Dungeons and Dungeons. Before you were hanged for your twisted games, your were working on your magnum opus, D&D 6.66. Now a newlywed couple has moved into your former home. You decide to use your ghostly powers to manipulate them into completing your work. When the husband discovers your secret game lab, you can tell he has the following ten attributes:
 Courage (5), Cunning (7), Strength (6), Willpower (4), Wisdom (3), Charisma (2), Agility (8), Magic (0), Spirit (1) and Luck (3).

Your first encounter is with a filthy Glock Goblin who crawls from beneath a shrub. The goblin shrieks "yuu givez me ya shaiynees!"
 before dying in a puddle of its own filth. Your wife sees this exchange as an opportunity to impress her new friends by cooking dinner. Unfortunately, she forgets that it's still summer vacation so all she has is canned ravioli.

You summon a Hot Tub with a Portal to the Dungeon and Dungeon world you created.  The husband enters and is transported to your world!
 He walks around the house looking at your books, notices a note stuck under his door, picks it up, reads it and looks confused. Then he hears something coming down the stairs and hides behind the couch.

The husband sees an alien figure walk down the stairs.  This creature is
 wearing a tuxedo and smoking a cigar. It approaches the couch where the husband is hiding and says, "Hi there honey, I'm just here to pick up some stuff." The husband cautiously steps out from behind the couch.

The figure offers the husband a cigar and creates a magical flame to light it. The husband puffs the cigar and plumes of smoke ooze from the portal and smell like:
 "a mixture of incense, sweat, cheap perfume, and stale beer". The husband coughs and asks, "What kind of stuff?" The alien responds, "Stuff...stuff..." and then passes out.

You greet the husband and notice he has made your alien friend pass out.  You tell the husband that you are the creator of this world and that he is a pawn in your game of Dungeons and Dungeons.  You send him to the first Dungeon with your friend the alien.

After a few days, the husband returns to the second floor of the house and finds a strange contraption in the middle of the room. He sees a pair of golden wings attached to the contraption and an open book titled "Dungeons and Dragons" sitting on top of it.

The husband confronts you for blatant plagiarism and you lie, but it's no use!  He knows the truth, and now he must die.  You grab your greatsword off the mantle and challenge the husband to a fight to the death.

Your opponent attacks with his sword, but you block it easily. Your wife watches from the kitchen window and screams when she sees the blood spurt from the man's neck. She rushes outside and runs away screaming.

Distracted by your terrified wife, the husband manages to counter attack with a weapon of his own:
 a frying pan. He swings the pan at you and misses. You dodge the swing and take the opportunity to chop off his head.
You return to your realm and your wife has not yet returned.

You need to hunt down your wife, you suit up and filled your pockets with ravioli.

You leave the house and go to the store for supplies. On your way back home, you spot your wife shopping. You follow her and see her buying some groceries. You decide to test your ability to read minds.

You read her mind:
 "I am going to kill my husband and eat him."
You know that your wife is crazy, so you decide to do nothing. You enter the house and find your wife staring at the severed head of your husband.

Next time on "Dungeons and Dungeons and diners and dives":

She eats him.
See ya next episode!
Honey,
This is your loving husband, Tim. I've been doing some research on the internet about how to make a better woman out of you.