You are Mike, a DJ available for birthdays, weddings, etc. You have been hired as the entertainment for Christy Cohen's Bat Mitzvah. Shortly before the festivities begin, the girl's father informs you that many members of the family are vampires--including himself. He tells you not to be afraid and to just act normal, but you can't help being nervous. You decide that everything needs to perfect so you don't upset any of the undead guests. You begin by carefully selecting the music. It will include jazz, rock, country, swing, blues, gospel, folk...you know what would work best. Your job is to keep everyone dancing until they drop dead from exhaustion or boredom. You strut your stuff on the dance floor and break out into a Transylvania Twist. The room goes quiet except for the occasional groan when someone takes a spill. When it becomes obvious that there won't be much dancing tonight, you take over the piano and play some slow songs to give everyone something to do while they wait for midnight. One of the Vampmilfs asks you to play "Uptown Funk" on the piano. She then begins dancing around the room with her arms wrapped tightly around your neck. After several minutes of this, she starts sucking on your earlobe. You pull away and say, "Hey! I'm trying to concentrate here." She growls in your face, "Just let me suck your cock!" Your dick twitches at the thought of getting sucked by one of these creatures. You say "but your fangs". Vampmilf responds by removing her dentures. Her mouth is now completely open and she sucks you hungrily. You feel like a piece of meat being devoured. As you cum in her mouth, you think about how much better it would have been if you had never met those vamps. Christy notices this and screams. Christy yells, "Mom, not again!" Your mother comes running into the room. She grabs you by the scruff of your neck and drags you off to the kitchen. You hear your mother yell, "I told you to stay out of my house! Your mother slaps you in front of the entire wedding party, embarrassing you greatly. You think of a way to make a hasty exit and say "I have so much poop in my pants. Does anybody want it?" All the vampires laugh at this and leave the room. Before they go, however, they tell you that they will see you tomorrow night for another birthday celebration. The next day, your mother invites you to dinner. You tell your Mother, "If you leave before midnight, you won't become a woman!" She says, "Fine. But I expect you to come home early." As soon as you get home, you start doing research on vamps. There are hundreds of stories about them. You are visited in the night while studying by some of the vampires that were at the wedding. One of the vampires says "We're here for the birthday!" You say "who's birthday?" The vampires say "Yours. Today is the first day of your new life" And the vampires sink their fangs into you. They drink all of your blood and turn you into a vampire. What do you do? * * * My name is Michael, and I am currently in high school. My parents are very strict, but they love me. You pull out your comically large garlic sword and prepare to defend yourself against the vampires bully's at high school. You are a good looking guy and you know it. You also know that most girls hate guys who wear goth clothing. You may have to fight your way through a few of them, but you'll win in the end. You kebab one of the bullies on your garlic sword. They scream and run away. You are pretty sure you just killed a bunch of people. At least I think you did. It turns out that you actually killed a whole lot of people. You get home and your mom is waiting for you. She is watching the news and seeing the horrible crimes against vampires that you have committed today. You Mom reels her hand back and you wretch and prepare for the slapping of a lifetime. Instead, she hugs you and says "Oh my baby, you did so well. We are going to celebrate tonight. Tonight is your birthday." You look up and say, "Mom, we are celebrating my birthday tomorrow." Mom slams an icing covered knife into the wood table and says again through gritted teeth "We are going to celebrate tonight!." You say "But mom, I'm tired from playing basketball. Can't we do it tomorrow?" Mom smacks you in the face with the icing covered knife. "Tomorrow! I said! I mean.. tonight actually" Your mom slaps you again. "I meant tonight! Tonight is your birthday!" You are still confused, but you decide to go along with your mom's wishes. You ask what kind of cake you should make and your mom says "I don't care. You watch one of your favorite cooking shows to get an idea of what cake to make. On the next episode of Cake Wrecks: The Halloween Special , the host of the show gives a lecture on the dangers of using baking soda instead of baking powder. After you finish watching the show, you ask your mom "What does baking soda do?" You mom screams, "Baking soda is for whores and infidels!" and slaps you again the icing knife. You decide to make a cake out of baking powder. You bake a chocolate cake and decorate it with whipped cream and sprinkles. It looks delicious. You eat half of it and save the rest for later. You fucking explode from a stomach full of baking powder. You awake in a hospital bed. You are surrounded by doctors and nurses. Your mom is sitting in the corner of the room crying. A doctor says "Mr. Miller, your wife has been informed of your condition. The doctor says "we refer to this in the medical field as a 'nightmare'. You were lucky to wake up." You say "Is it safe to leave?" The doctor says "No, you must stay here until we can get you some food. Next time on "Mike Hates Birthdays Too": Your mom gets sick and you need to take care of her. You find out that your mom is allergic to sugar, so you buy a bunch of candy bars and give them to her. You decide to have a party.