EP 417 – Story #3

You are Agent Knight, a CIA agent 
w
ho just happens to be half-Raccoon
.  Y
our Grandfather on your Dad's side is the legendary Goldentusk. You feel like you have to live up to your family's 
l
egacy all the time.
  The only problem with that is that it doesn't seem like there's anything special about being a Raccoon or a Goldentusk─or maybe I'm not supposed to think of it as "special."

You ask Goldentusk for some life advice "When will I learn my purpose?" Goldentusk says "thats the neat thing, you wont."

"Why won't I? Why do I have to find out what I'm doing with my life now that I've figured out who I am?"
"Youre gonna figure it out soon enough.

You tell Goldentusk, "I want to make my legal guardian, Jason, proud of me. He already resents me for celebrating birthdays."

Goldentusk laughs and says "oh he'll love you no matter what. Just dont get him too excited."
"Is that why you told me to get married? So I'd have someone to celebrate my birthday with?"

Suddenly Silvertooth Brando, a half-CRABSNAILANTMONKEY, bursts into your house.
 He's in his human form, but he's still a little strange to look at.
He's got a long face and sharp eyes and a large nose, and he's wearing an old, tattered trench coat.

Silvertooth Brando is your ultimate rival and seething with pure evil in veins.  Silvertooth turns to you and says, "
I heard you were asking questions about me. What kind of a fool would ask about the likes of me? I wasnt even born when that happened!"
"That was before you were born," you say.

Silvertooth declares war on your family and disappears in a puff of smoke. Goldentusk, in between eating garbage out of trashcan, says you must pursue him and uphold the family honor.

Your mother is terrified of Silvertooth and tries to stop you from going after him, but she has nothing to worry about.
"Silvertooth Brando is just a man," Goldentusk tells her.

From behind Silvertooth Brando stabs your mother straight through the heart with a firepoker he found the garbage.
 She dies instantly.
"Oh no! Mother!"
You rush over to your mother's body and start wailing.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
"

Goldentusk sends you to the Hall of Ancients. "There you will find the Beercan Tab of Power," he tells you.

"What's that?"
"The book of secrets. The only way to defeat Silvertooth Brando is to read the entire book and understand its contents. If you can do that, then Silvertooth will never be able to win against you."

You read the book of secrets and find Silvertooth Brando's one weakness:

He is afraid of spiders.
"Now you're ready to fight him," Goldentusk says.
"Spiders... Spiders..."
You go to Silvertooth Brando's hideout.

You notice Silvertooth sitting in a chair and throw 1000 spiders that you got from Petco onto him.  You say, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

Silvertooth Brando cries out, "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
 ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
"


"You're scared of spiders now?"
"OW, 
YES!"


"But you were so cool before."
"I was pretending to be cool."
"What's wrong with being fake?"
"It's boring."
"Well, you can't get any more bored than this."

You pull out Brando's silver teeth.

"AHHH!"
He screams and runs away.
You chase him down the street.
"YEEEEESSSS!"
He takes off running again.
You run after him.

A radioactive spider in the batch of spiders you bought bites Silvertooth in the next and gives him the following superpowers:

Superstrength.
Superspeed.
Super hearing.
Super vision.
Super agility.
"AHHHHH!"
Silvertooth Brando grabs you and starts shaking you like a dog shakes a rat.

You suspect Silvertooth was also given super smell, and you charge a nasty fart, that transforms into a nasty shart.

"Gah!"
Silvertooth falls back and lands on his ass.
You grab him by the neck and slam him into a wall.
"YOU'RE DEAD!"
Silvertooth Brando is finally defeated.

Next time on "Goldentusk's Bizarre Adventure":

"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no
, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no
"