EP 417 – Story #2

You are Dracula, the world's most famous vampire. However, you struggle to impress the ladies. One day, you walk up to a female vampire and say, "You suck." She has an offended look on her face, while saying, "Excuse me?" You say, "Get it? Vampires suck blood, so I said you suck." She says, "That's not funny." She walks away. You start pouting in the corner of the room.
 After a few minutes, she comes back over to your table. "Hey," she says, "I think that was pretty good."
"Yeah?" You ask.
She nods. "But next time, try something like this: 'Hey babe, can you believe how hot my girlfriend is?'
 Then watch what happens."
The following week, you go home with another vamp and get into bed together. The sex is fantastic! Afterwards, she tells you about all the other guys who have asked her out recently.

You begin to feel insecure about yourself and ask "Did they have bigger fangs than me?"
 She shakes her head no. "Were their eyes more red?" Again, she shakes her head no. Finally, you say, "Well maybe they had better breath!" She smiles at that one, but doesn't seem convinced.

You say, "I want to find a girlfriend for my human friend, Tony. Like me, he has trouble impressing the ladies. However, he's a great guy."

She laughs, "What makes him such a great guy?"
"He's honest," you say. "No matter how bad things get between us, he always tells me the truth. He never lies or cheats on me.

The female vamp says she know the perfect person to be setup with Tony.  The next day you see the lady herself is taking Tony out to dinner.
 They both come back happy and looking very pleased with themselves.
A couple days later, you call the vamp and tell her that you would love to set Tony up with her best friend. She seems delighted by the idea.

The next time you see Tony, he's dressed as a vampire.
 His outfit consists of black leather pants and shirt, some kind of cape thing around his neck, and white gloves. You say, "Tony, you look so cool!"
He blushes, but then turns to face the wall.

Tony turns around, and you see he has fangs.
 Not just little baby fangs either. These fangs are huge, long, sharp, and pointy. And they're made from gold.
"Oh my God," you exclaim. "Your fangs are gold!

You look closely and see a message emblazoned in jewels on Tony's fangs. It spells:
 "Vampire Prince."
What do you do now?
* * *
—Dracula, the Vampire Prince
I'm sorry, I don't understand."
Gina shrugged.

Gina, the vampire's friend, tells you:
 "Listen, Drac. This girl thinks you're cute. But she's also worried about your lack of social skills. So we thought you should meet someone nice, like this guy Tony."
"But he's a vampire!"

You explain to Gina that Tony was already your friend and that now he is a vampire, you feel like you changed his life for the worse.
 You tell her that vampires are evil and will kill everyone if they can.
"So what do you want me to do?"
Gina shrugs again. "I don't know. Maybe you could talk to him.

You put in your new Vampire Dentures since you've lost your real Fangs and talk to Tony.

He says, "Hi."
You say, "Hi."
He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"
You say, "Sure."
He says, "Good.

You explain to Tony the downsides of being a vampire:
 you can't go out in daylight, you have to sleep during the day, you have to feed on humans, etc.
He says, "Okay, I get it."
You say, "Do you have any friends?"

Tony pulls out his phone and shows his extensive contact list with famous actors such as:
 Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie.
"Wow, you have a lot of friends."
He says, "Yeah, well, they're all dead now."
You say, "Why did you become a vampire?"

He says, "My parents were killed by a vampire. My dad was a lawyer, and my mom was a doctor. We lived in New York City. I had a brother, too.

Next time on "The Real Vampires of Transylvania":

"What's going on here?"
That's right. This is Dracula, the Vampire Prince.
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Christopher Lee, who played Count Dracula in many classic movies.