EP 416 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 416, Story On By Chief

You are Cory, a guy who bought some vampire coffins. You plan on using the coffins to store your spare clothes. However, there are vampires in the coffins. You take the clothes off of the vampires and add them to your large collection of clothes. Afterwards, you dump the vampires in Jason's hot tub. You figure he won't mind.

"Hey! That's my shirt!" Jason protests.
"Sorry," you say. "I was hungry."
"What do you want for dinner?" he asks.
"Dinner?
 What kind of food is there?"
"Oh, I don't know. Something with meat or something."
"Well, I guess we can go to that restaurant over there," you say.

You look across the street and see your favorite restaurant:
 The Meat Pit. It's a place where you eat delicious meat every day. They have all kinds of meats from cow, pig, goat, deer, chicken, fish, lizard, horse, kangaroo, and even some monster meat like goblin or orc.

You order the most expensive thing on the menu. it is a 10 course meat feast that has the following dishes:
 Beef Stew, Ribeye Steak, Roast Chicken, Crab Cakes, Fish & Chips, Pork Chop Suey, Ham Burger, Sirloin Sandwich, Lobster Roll, and Veggie Pasta.

You are greeted by your favorite waiter at the Meat Pit: Mucho Grande, vampire bull fighter.  You tell him, "Eat my shorts!"

"No problem, boss man," he says as he takes out his dagger. He cuts off your pants and devours them. Then he begins eating your underwear.
"That's disgusting," you protest.

You order the everything burger with every kind of meat the Meat Pit offers.
 When the waiter brings your food, he says, "Enjoy your meal, sir."
"Yes, enjoy your meal," you reply.
As you sit down to eat, you notice that your friend, Jason, is also sitting at the table.

As you bite into the Every Meat Burger your exposed thighs swell with cholesterol. The grease of every animal dribbles down your expanding chin.
 Your eyes widen as you realize how much meat you are eating.
"Hey, you should try this," Jason says. He pulls a small black box out of his pocket.
"What is that?"

You open the small box and notice a single piece of candy: a
 red heart-shaped lollipop.
"It's a special treat for our customers. We give these out to people who eat too much."
"This is a trick, isn't it?"

You say that, buy you eat the lollipop anyway.  You instantly regret your decision.  Yours thigh begin to expand and then
 split wide open. A flood of blood gushes out of your leg. You scream and fall to the floor, clutching your bloody stump.
Jason looks at you with concern. "Are you okay?"

A small child is washed away in the tide of flowing cholesterol. An elderly couple slips in the fat.  You turn to Jason and say, "Oh, yeah, Jason. I'm just bleeding. I'll be fine."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Jason says. "Here, let me help you up."
He grabs hold of your arm and helps you stand back on your feet. You feel better now that the pain has gone.

You say to Jason "You know, I never used to eat like this" and reveal your troubled past.

"I used to live with my mom and dad. But my parents got divorced when I was young. My mom wanted to raise me by herself, but she met a new boyfriend. He was a good guy, but he wasn't rich.
 He worked two jobs and couldn't afford a house for us. So, he moved out.
"My mom had no idea what to do. She kept crying and saying, 'We're going to lose our home!'

You remember saying to your mom, "Anywhere is home with you mommy momma!"  And she yell back, "Shut up and eat your BURGER!"  Burger echoes through your mind - that is the source of you trauma!

"So, I decided to leave home. I knew that I could make it on my own. I went to the city and found a job at the Meat Pit. I was a good worker and I earned a lot of money.

You work late one night and lazily cook yourself a greasy burger on the dirty grill.  But in your carelessness, you start a huge grease fire!

You run outside to put it out, but your shirt catches fire and you get burned.
"I thought I was dead. But then I saw a vampire come running towards me. He said, "Help me!
 Help me!"
You were about to say, "Sorry, I'm busy right now."
But instead, you ran over and saved him.
You ask, "Why did you save me?"

You drag him back into the blazing restaurant and begin to prepare "a vampire-meat burger"
 for him.
The next morning, you wake up and find that the vampire has left a $1,000 tip on your table. You are shocked.
You go to the bank and deposit the money.

Next time on "Hell's Kitchen":
 You are given the task of making a tasty dessert. You must make a cheesecake from scratch.
Your friends laugh at you, but you have a secret weapon: your sexy assistant, Melony.