EP 416 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 416, Story On By Chief

God needs a vacation from heaven, so he comes to earth to experience life as a dog. He is captured by animal control and is impounded, and you adopt god-the-dog after a tragedy that makes you question your faith.

But then you meet Sherlock Holmes and Watson, who are working on the case of the Hound of Baskerville. They rescue god-the-dog, but they have no idea how they did it.

You hire Dog the Bounty Hunter to get god-the-dog back from Sherlock Holmes.

The Hound of Baskerville is a book about religion and science and belief in fate. It’s also a book about dogs.
—Karen Thompson Walker, author of The White Tree Pattern
* * *
I had been trying to solve this mystery for almost two
 years before I finally realized what was going on. There were clues everywhere, but I just couldn't put them together until one day when I was watching television with my son. We saw an ad for a new show called Dog the Bounty Hunter.

You reveal your troubled past to god-the-dog.
 You have trouble believing in god because of all the suffering you’ve seen. But then you meet Sherlock Holmes and Watson, who are working on the case of the Hound of Baskerville.

You ask Sherlock what clues he has gathered. Sherlock lists them:
 “There was a white tree pattern on the floor of the library where the dog died.” And then there’s another clue: “The Hound of Baskerville was supposedly killed by a madman named Sir Hugo Baskerville.
And then Watson says, “Sir Hugo Baskerville?” and Sherlock replies, “The same.”
It hit me like a lightning bolt. I knew that name!

You rewatch the complete series of Sherlock Holmes starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman on Blu Ray.  You freeze on one episode: Sir Hugo Baskerville!  You play the tapes and hear a hidden message:
 “Beware the Hound of Baskerville.”
You realize that god-the-dog is actually Sherlock Holmes and Watson.
After all those years of struggling to understand why god-the-dog would do such a thing, you finally know the answer.

You go to your closet and pull out Cory from AIPD's clothes which have bite marks from the Hound on them.
 You call up the police department and report a missing person.
Your father tells you not to worry, that god-the-dog will be found soon enough. But you can’t help worrying.

You go looking and find Sherlock and Watson out of the dog costume and fanning themselves
 in the sun. They tell you they’re not god-the-dog anymore.
They say they’ve become human again. They explain that the dog was really Sherlock, who had been cursed by the evil wizard Mordred.

You say, "No shit, Sherlock."

They tell you that they're now on a quest to find the treasure of the Hound of Baskerville, which is buried at the bottom of Lake Lachrymose.
You say, "Wait.


You tell them that you’ll help them if they promise to bring back god-the-dog.
Watson says, "We need a break.”
Sherlock says, “We could use some food.

you repeat "Burger?"

You give them each a burger and you sit down next to them. You start to eat your own burger.
Watson says, "Hey, we didn’t ask for your help.

You sternly point and Watson sheepishly gets in the ass end of the god-the-dog costume and eats his burger in shame.

You say, "Oh, I forgot. You guys have to keep eating burgers to stay in the dog suit."
Watson says, "It’s okay.
"You don’t have to eat yours."

You head to the lake to look for the buried treasure.

You say, "Look, I'm sorry I doubted you guys.
"I've learned that you can never judge people by their appearances.
"I should have known that you weren't a real dog.

You say, "After all, God is just Dog spelled backwards."

Sherlock says, "I think I'm starting to see the light.
"Maybe I should take the dog-shaped curse off.
"I feel much better.
"And I’m not hungry anymore.

You notice a treasure chest float out of the lake.  You rush over and open it up to see it contains:
 “A magical golden compass that leads to the Hound of Baskerville.”
You say, "Wow!
"I guess god-the-dog really was cursed."
Sherlock says, "Yes.

Next time on "god is an awesome dog":

You go back to your apartment and you’re in the middle of a fight with your wife.
She says, "What’s wrong?
You say, "Nothing.