It was Halloween and Harry Potter was going to be out of his little cupboard tonight. He'd been waiting for the day since the end of the summer. He could finally leave that horrid place; he'd go trick or treating with Dudley and pretend he's not as scared of the dark as he is. It would be fun! But what about Hermione? She was still in her room, crying herself to sleep every night. And Ron — well, he'd never have forgiven himself if he hadn't tried to save Sirius from Voldemort... Harry Potter grabs his loaded .45 handgun with 12 hash marks and pays Hermione and Ron a visit to ask if they want to go trick or treating. They say no. Then he goes down to the kitchens where Mrs. Norris is eating the leftover cake and tells her that he wants to go out. She says she can't spare him. So he wanders around the castle for a while, until he sees Mr. Weasley coming up the stairs with a basket full of candy. Harry runs over to him and asks if he'll take him out. Mr. Weasley agrees, but when they get outside, he finds it hard to walk very fast because of his heavy load. Harry shoots Mr. Weasley with the gun, which magical truth gun. He asks Mr. Weasley, "What really happened to my parents?" Mr. Weasley doesn't answer, so Harry takes him back to the kitchen and threatens Mrs. Norris with the gun again. She gives in and lets them both out. Harry wanders around the grounds, looking for somewhere to go. Harry takes Mr Weasly to Moaning Murtle's loud ass bathroom. Mr. Weasley thinks this is a good idea, and tells Harry to put his head under the hand dryer. When Harry does, he hears someone talking to him, but he can't make out what they're saying. Mr Weasley is secretly talking to a fire goblin that works in the hand dryer and asks if the goblin can use his fire magic to disarm Harry Potter. The goblin agrees and sets fire to the gun causing all the bullets to go off at once. Mr Weasley then explains to Harry how he got into trouble with the Ministry of Magic and had to run away from home. He tells Harry to keep quiet about the whole thing, but Harry cannot help himself and asks who he really is. Mr. Weasley reveals that he really is Sirius Black, and that he's also the one who killed Harry's parents. Harry has never seen Sirius before, but he knew immediately that he was lying. Mr. Weasley says he doesn't know why he did it, but he's sorry. The fire goblin overhears this and asks Harry Potter if he would like revenge. Harry cruelly nods his head and the goblin flamethrowers Sirius Black. Mr. Weasley runs over to save Harry, but by the time he gets there, Harry is dead. Harry Potter falls to the ground. His heart stops beating. Mr. Weasley calls for Mrs. Norris. Mrs. Harris revives Harry using magical mouth-to-mouth, which involves deep tongue . "You should have let me die," says Harry. "No, you shouldn't have!" cries Mr. Weasley. "I couldn't let you die after I told you who I really am." Hermione bursts and yells, "Get out of here, I have to take shit!" "Yes, I'm leaving now," says Mr. Weasley. When he leaves, Hermione shouts after him, "And don't come back!" "Why not?" asks Mr. Weasley. "Because you're too big a coward to face me!" screams Hermione. Mr. Weasley turns around and walks away. Harry Potter is dead. ACT II: The Burrow Harry Potter is lying on his bed in his cupboard, staring up at the ceiling. Hedwig the owl tries to peck Harry's eyes out. He pulls her off, but Hedwig bites him. Harry Potter is still staring up at the ceiling. Hagrid the hippogriff flies in through the window and says, "Hey, Harry, guess what?" Harry Potter looks at Hagrid. "I've got something to show you," says Hagrid. Harry Potter jumps out of his cupboard and follows Hagrid out of the castle. They arrive at the Burrow, Hagrid's house, and Harry Potter is surprised to see a black cat, Fang, sitting in the middle of the living room. "This is Sirius Black's cat," says Hagrid. Harry, still wanting revenge, runs over to the cat and begins choking the life out. Fang scratches Harry Potter. Harry Potter is dead. ACT III: Death Eaters Harry Potter is standing in front of the door to the Burrow. He has been given a new wand by Professor Dumbledore. Unfortunately 98 Death Eaters are flying over him and read y to strike. The Death Eaters fly off. Harry Potter opens the door and enters the Burrow. He sees Sirius Black sitting on a sofa, smoking a cigarette. "Hi, Harry," says Sirius. Harry demands to know what the hell is going on. Sirius Black tells Harry that he is a Death Eater. Harry is horrified. "But I thought you were my friend," says Harry. "I am your friend," says Sirius. Sirius uses dark forbidden magic and transform Harry Potter into a rat. Harry Potter is dead. ACT IV: Dumbledore's Army Harry Potter is lying on the floor. Professor Dumbledore appears and tells Harry Potter that he must join Dumbledore's Army. Next time on "Harry Dies At The End": Harry is sent to the Ministry of Magic. "We need you to stop Voldemort," says an old man with a beard. "Okay," says Harry. "Well, I hope you're ready for a long night," says the old man.