EP 414 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 414, Story On By Chief

You are zombified Benedict Arnold. Years after rising from your grave, you have become a prominent member of the undead horde. However, you are beginning to see lucrative opportunities that involve helping the living.
 You can now detect an aura around certain humans and their pets. Your ability allows you to make them more powerful, or even kill them outright. The former is great for hunting prey while protecting those who will be traveling with you;
 however, it also makes some people suspicious when they sense your presence. In addition, there are rumors about how these abilities work in real life. Can you prove that this legend is true?
Your mission: Hunt down a human named Sam.

You tell your fellow undead horde, "Sam is usually seen whenever a rabbit names Bugs is around."
 They all nod eagerly at what you say. After discussing the matter further, you decide to go on your own hunt for Sam. As you walk through town, you spot him immediately. He's wearing his usual outfit -- brown coat, tan pants, and dark green shirt.

You try to use your instant death powers on Sam, but you screw up and empower Sam instead.
 This gives him greater strength than he normally has. It also makes him very popular among the ladies. Not only do they love having sex with him, they also like the way he fights. A few days later, Sam comes back from one of his adventures with something shiny in his hand.
 It turns out to be a piece of jewelry. It looks just like yours!
"I found this," Sam says as he hands it over to you. "It was lying right next to my body.
 I think it must have fallen off me during our battle. What do you think?"
You look closely at the item. There's no question that this is identical to yours. You hold it up to your ear.

You listen closely and hear the faint sound of
 music. The song playing is called “Auld Lang Syne” by Robert Burns. That means this object is made out of gold! Gold is valuable because it can be used to create coins.
 These coins are worth money. Money is useful for buying things. Buying things makes life better. Life is fun. Fun is good.
The end.
You've been reading too many comic books lately.

but what is good?
 You know that there are many different kinds of good things in the world. Some are wonderful and some are terrible. For example, you might find a delicious meal, or you could be walking down the street when suddenly someone tries to mug you.

You go to the shop "Parents R Us" and attempt to redeem a  coupon for new parents. It's expired.

"How much does it cost to buy a baby?" you ask the cashier.
She tells you that it costs $8,000.
You don't have any money. So you try to sell your soul to the Devil.

The devil hears your plea and appears to barter. The devil says to you "You're undead and have no soul, but you could collect one for me.
 How would you like to trade your soul for a fresh one?"
"What's the catch?" you ask.
The devil explains that your soul will be transferred into a baby. Your old body will die and your new body will live.

You are sad that you cannot make this deal without a soul so you go to a nearby lakeside cabin to find a fresh soul from the people that live there.
 You knock on the door and a man answers.
He says "Come in."
You open the door and enter the cabin. Inside, you see an elderly couple sitting at a table. The wife asks you "Are you here to pick up a soul?"

The woman says "you can have my lame son. I last saw him playing on the dock with the other campers"

"Oh, thank you!" you exclaim.
You leave the cabin and head back to the store. You exchange your soul for a baby and give it to the cashier.
"Here you go, Sir," she says.

You name the child:
 George Washington.
George grows up to become a famous president. He leads the United States to victory in many battles and becomes known as the father of our country. George is loved by everyone and dies peacefully in his sleep.

You watch George's life pass before you as you live forever as one of the undead.

1) Who was Benedict Arnold?
2) Why did he want to be a hero?
3) Where did he hide the treasure?

You are about to say aloud where the treasure is hidden, but you catch yourself and say, "Nice try, Satan!"

You decide to follow the instructions of the game and kill the guards. You sneak past the guardhouse and into the mansion. You start to search for the treasure, but you are interrupted by a loud crash.

You run quickly to investigate the noise.
 You find a large hole in the wall of the basement. You peek inside and see a giant robot. It's covered in rust and its parts are scattered all over the floor. You grab a wrench and smash the robot's face.

As you smash the robot's face repeatedly, you yell, "Only I can live forever!"  Suddenly the robot powers on.
 Its eyes light up and the robot starts moving towards you.
You try to run away, but the robot grabs you and throws you into the air. The robot then slams you against the ground.

You grasp the pendant on your necklace and jam the shit-covered pendant into the robots head.
 The robot stops moving and you can hear it fall over.
You jump up and run to the hole in the wall. You climb through the hole and continue searching for the treasure. You find another room full of treasure.

Next time on "The Undead Adventures of Benedict Arnold - National Treasure 6":

Find out if you can win the treasure by beating the game.
Can you beat the game and become immortal?
If you are very lucky, maybe you can also find a new body to inhabit.