EP 413 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 413, Story On By Chief

You are Jason Ebeneezer, a man who has a peculiar hatred of birthdays. One night, the very night before your own birthday, you hear the clanking of chains. Standing before you is a ghostly figure wearing chains. "Ebeneezer, I am the ghost of birthdays past, it's not to late to change your mind or you'll end up like me."
 The apparition then vanishes into thin air. You look around and find that all of the candles in the room have been extinguished, save for one candle on the mantle. It looks like a birthday cake with candles.

As you walk up to the cake in the dark you accidently step on Abnormally Tiny Tim. Tim squeels "oyy meester, I'm fookin down ere'"
 as he rolls off the floor. You quickly try to help him up but can't find his face. He begins to crawl away from you, towards the wall, so you grab him by the shoulders and try to pull him back towards you.

You reveal your troubled past to Abnormally Tiny Tim.
 "I've never had a good relationship with my dad. He was always distant and cold. I don't even remember him ever giving me a present on my birthday. I mean, he didn't really have to because I got all the presents I wanted anyway."

You say, "Tim, why don't you go play with my adopted son, Tony?"

"Tony? That's his name! I love him too!"
You say, "He doesn't need any more friends right now. Go home and we'll talk about this later."
"Okay," says Abnormally Tiny Tim as he disappears into the darkness.

As you lay back down in bed and begin to doze off, you roll over in bed and are face to face with The Ghost of Oprah's Past, Doctor Phil.
 "I see you're still doing your morning show," says the ghost.
"Yeah, well, you know, I think people like to come out and share their problems with me. They feel better knowing they aren't alone."

You suddenly notice you are sitting upright in a ghostly chair, on a ghostly stage, with a ghostly undead studio audience. and Dr. Phil asks you "and how does that make you feel?"

"Like I'm trapped in some kind of nightmare," you say.
"Well, you are," says the ghost. "Your dream is coming true. Your life has become a living hell, you're a slave to your own subconscious desires, and you are constantly being tormented by your inner
 demons. All of the things you thought were wrong with you are actually your greatest assets. You just don't realize it yet. And you will continue to suffer until you finally give up, you accept your fate, and you allow yourself to be consumed by the darkness within you."

You are imbued with hatred for birthdays and set to outlaw birthdays. you start by smashing the cake on your table!
 Then you get up and smash all the other cakes in the house! You set fire to the entire neighborhood, burning down every bakery in town. You then go to the local jail and free all of the inmates.

You offer to pay the inmates for every birthday they prevent, and you add "by any means necessary."

The inmates take you at your word, and immediately start robbing and murdering everyone on their way to work. Before long, there is no one left in town who celebrates birthdays.
After a few years of this, you realize you have gone completely insane.

You think its a hallucination when you are greeted by Cory, the Ghost of Bucket Present. He's your friend who's a fashion icon. He wants to help you appreciate birthdays.
 He gives you a bucket of money and tells you to buy gifts for everyone.
"But what if I'm spending the money on something they don't want?" you ask.
"Don't worry, I've already prepared a list of items you can buy for them."

You read list of items and on it are items such as:

A pair of pants that fit you perfectly.
A shirt that fits you perfectly.
A belt that matches your shoes.
A jacket that fits you perfectly.
Socks that match your pants.

You look at yourself in the mirror and see that you are now dressed as Santa, purveyor of Christmas mirth.
 You feel happy and content.
You are walking through the streets of your city when you run into Cory again. He hands you another bucket of cash and tells you to buy gifts for everyone in the world.

Next time on Santa's Gift Adventures:

You're on the North Pole!
You are on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!

we're on the North Pole!

you're on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!
You're on the North Pole!