You are a man named Dos. You awake in a hospital bed, severely wounded. "How did I survive," you ask aloud. "Maybe someone messed up the narrative perspective again," I step out of hiding, "The writer fucked up and saved your life." "Hello Uno. Who is this slightly confused writer," you ask me. "His name is Jason," I reply. You and I set out on a journey to find Jason and educate him about narrative point of view. ☻ ☻ ☻ JASON: A Dose Of Reality Your body feels like it's made from lead as you try to move away from the pain that has been injected into your back. You and Uno look for Tres. He was supposed to be waiting with the car but he isn't there yet. The two of you head towards the front door where you will meet your new employer. As soon as you walk through the doorway you hear screaming coming from inside. You rush through the door to see Jay Jonah Jameson. His face is red and his eyes wide open. He seems terrified. "I'm sorry!" Jay screams at you. He grabs you by the shoulders and pulls you close so that only inches separate your faces. You ask Jay, "You must be our new employer. What do you need done?" Jay smiles an evil smile and says, "We have a problem! We have a big fucking problem!" "What kind of problem Mr. Jameson," you ask. "Tina Turner just called my office," he explains. "She what?" you say incredulously. "Yes she did," he answers. "And...and why would Tina call here? She knows we don't work directly with her people anymore." Flashback to the incident you had with Tina Turner: It was early evening when you were walking down Broadway toward Times Square. You saw a woman sitting alone at one of the tables outside the restaurant. Her clothes looked expensive and stylish. Your attention shifted over to her because she seemed different than other women who walked past you on their way home or shopping. A few minutes later you noticed that she was watching you too. As you approached the table she stood up and started moving quickly in your direction. When she reached you she said, "Do you know how lucky you are that I happened to spot you? That I knew right then that I wanted you?" Her voice sounded familiar and you replied, "No ma'am. How can I ever repay you for saving me from those thugs last night?" You were wearing Cory from AIPD's tuxedo, which was covered in melted butter, and the butter spilled onto Tina's hair. "Well," she began, "There is something you could do for me." "Anything," you told her. "Good boy," she purred. "Go to your hotel room and wait for me there. You are sitting on the bed in your hotel room, when you hear a knock at the door. It sounds like someone is knocking very hard. You get up and go to answer the door. Standing there is Tina Turner herself. "Oh shit!" you exclaim. "Hi handsome," she begins, "Did you really think I wouldn't find out about you two sneaking around together?" "What's love got to do with it?" you ask. "Nothing," she replies, "But I am going to make sure you never fuck me again." You begin to protest but she cuts you off. "You're fired!" Flashback to the present: Jay Jonah Jameson is stunned by your story. He looks at you and says, "That bitch! She must have been spying on us. Why didn't you tell me sooner?!" "I wasn't spying on you sir," you reply. You plot to expose Tina with Mr. Jameson. "I'm gonna write an article exposing the truth!" he announces. "The truth about what sir?" you ask him. "You and Tina!" he yells at you. "I'm sorry sir. You pull out the emergency newsroom gun and point it at Mr. Jameson. "Don't you dare!" he shouts. "I'm sorry!" you scream as you fire the weapon. Mr. Jameson falls to the ground dead. "Uno! Run!" you yell. You and Uno run for the car. ☻ ☻ ☻ YOU and Uno arrive at the hospital and head to the medical wing. "I'm here to see Jason Dos," you say to the nurse at the desk. "He is being prepped for surgery now. Please wait at the waiting area until he finishes his procedure," she tells you. You and Uno sit down and watch the other patients come and go. You get up, burst into the the surgery room, and demand to know what surgery is being performed on Jason. Jason's surgeon, Dr. Ransome, says, "He has a broken back. He needs an operation to fuse his vertebrae. The only way we can do this is if he is under anesthesia so that I can insert a metal rod and screws between the two parts of the break . We have to keep him unconscious while the operation takes place." "Why?" you ask. Dr. Ransome says, "Because he will feel every single needle prick. And he won't be able to move." You replace his anesthesia with placebo. Jason Dos feels a nightmarish amount pain. "Holy shit that hurts!" he screams. "Yes, well that's the price you pay for living a healthy lifestyle," you tell him. "Fuck that!" he snarls, "I don't want to live like this anymore." Jason Dos asks for the highly experimental robot spine that would give his back super strength. The doctor hesitates, but performs the surgery. After the operation you and Uno visit Jason in the recovery ward. "How are you feeling?" you ask. "Like I've just had the most intense orgasm of my life," he answers, "And I can't stop thinking about the sex we were having." You visit Dr. Ronsome's office. He is wearing a bathrobe and smoking a cigarette. He has an enormous smile on his face. "Hey there, you two," he says. "What happened to the robotic spinal implant?" you ask. "It worked perfectly," he replies, "But then Jason began to crave the real thing. So I gave it to him. Now they are fucking all the time. I haven't seen them since. I think she might have killed him." "You mean Tina?" you ask. "No," he laughs, "Tina is still in the picture too. Next time on Upgrade 2: A Taste Of Honey: You walk up to Tina's house. She is standing on her front porch. "Hi there handsome," she says. "Did you really think I wouldn't find out about you two sneaking around together?"
EP 409 – Story #2
Posted under Episode 409, Story On By Chief