EP 408 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 408, Story On By Chief 

You are Ernest in the year 1990. Santa is once again in trouble! You rush to the scene, only to discover it is already swamped by many other 80s characters and has-been celebrities trying to save Christmas.

"Oh no!" you cry out as a giant robot appears on top of the Empire State Building. "Santa must be stopped before he destroys New York City with his evil doomsday machine."
"We've got this," says your sidekick, Larry (played by John Goodman).

You see the following 10 has-been 80's characters and celebrities:

1) Arnold Schwarzenegger (as himself), who was governor of California at the time.
2) Sylvester Stallone (also as himself), former president of Hollywood.
3) Bruce Jenner (a.
k.a. Caitlyn), Olympic gold medalist swimmer and reality star.
4) Madonna (who had just released her first album, True Blue), pop singer.
5) Michael Jackson (the King of Pop), pop superstar.

6) Robert DeNiro (The Godfather), actor.
7) Whoopi Goldberg (Ghostbusters II), actress.
8) Hulk Hogan (WWF Wrestler), wrestler/actor.

9) Bo Derek (Babe), actress.
10) The cast of Cheers.
What do you do?
A) Punch Schwarzenegger in the face for ruining everything.
B) Save Christmas by destroying the Doomsday Machine.

You choose to save Christmas and run towards the Empire State Building with a beer and a bag of turds.
 As you approach the building, a huge explosion rocks its foundations. A large chunk falls from one of the skyscrapers and crashes into the street below, crushing several cars.
"That's what I'm talking about!"

You pour the warm beer into the basket of turds and coat yourself in the turd mush to hide yourself from the santa bots heat vision.
 You make your way down the fire escape ladder and enter the lobby of the building where all the robots have gathered.
"I am here to destroy the Doombot 3000 and prevent it from causing any more destruction," announces Santa.

You sneak up on Santa and snatch the microphone from his hands and reveal that he is actually the bad guy and has complete control over the Doombot 3000.
 He then turns around and reveals himself to be Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"No! This can't be happening! There's been some sort of mistake!" cries Schwarzenegger as he tries to convince everyone that he isn't really him.

You reveal your troubled past to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Ernest, this man is not me! It must be someone else pretending to be me!"
"Yeah, right," you say. "Like there could ever be anyone but you."

Arnold enrages and yells, "ohahoowahgahhh."
 His body transforms into that of an 80s action hero. You watch helplessly as he becomes Rambo, Rocky IV, Predator, Terminator, Commando, and every other movie character whose name starts with R.

You say to Arnold, "Arnold, I loved that movie where you played Mr. Freeze. You were so cool in that."

"Oh my god, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod," says Arnold as he runs offscreen while transforming into different characters.
After a few minutes, Arnold returns wearing the costume of Captain America.

Arnold begins to flail as he yells his top 10 quotes:

1) "This ain't no disco!"
2) "Don't call me Shirley!"
3) "Hey baby, wanna go two rounds?"
4) "Hasta la vista, baby!"

5) "What do you mean 'no'?! That's not fair!"
6) "Who are you calling stupid?!"
7) "Shut up, bitch!"
8) "Get this through your head.
 I don't like women. All they want is money. They're nothing but gold diggers. And let me tell you something. When we get back home tonight, if your wife or girlfriend doesn't give it up she'll regret it.
 Now shut up before I knock out those front teeth of yours!"
9) "What are you looking at? Huh? Nothing. Get lost. Go away. Don't look at me. Keep walking.
 Move along. Scram. Beat it. Shoo. Git. Dang. Geezer. Hooey. Ho-ho-hooo. Yikes. Whoa. Oh. My.
 God. What was that thing?"
10) "I'm gonna kill ya. You hear me, buddy? Ya better pray to God you never see me again."
You say to Arnold, "you know what?
 I think you should just leave. We've got too much history between us for you to continue working with me. After all, you beat the crap out of me in Kindergarten."
"But Ernest," replies Arnold.

You are worried that Arnold has lost his mind and it's up to you to shutdown the doomsday machine.  You know you have to do, you say the secret shutdown sequence phrase:
 "The power of love will vanquish the evil in the world."
As you speak, the doombot 3000 activates and begins to destroy New York City. The city is quickly being destroyed by giant robots made from the rubble of buildings, a large robot made from trash cans, and an army
 of santa bots.
You and Arnold flee the destruction and run towards the Empire State Building. You try to climb onto the building but it's been partially demolished and there is only one remaining piece of the building that you can reach.

You reach out and narrowly avoid death.  You transform in your ultimate form and attempt to save New York City.

"You can't fight me," says Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Not in this form. Not anymore."
"You have to stop the destruction," you reply.
"That's the plan," says Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold opens a briefcase, and shows you that inside is a large red button. He says "oohwaga! Ernest, you have to push da button! Push da button nao!"

"No! This can't be happening! There's been some sort of mistake!" cries Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"It's you! You're really him!" you cry. "You can't be here."

You realize that standing before is
 

the one true Santa Claus
.

 You suddenly understand that he is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger, and that he is the real bad guy.
"I am not Arnold," you say. "You're the real Arnold."
"No, I'm not," he insists.

You cant take any more of this shit and you press the red button.

BAMF!
A massive explosion occurs.
You are knocked back, but manage to stand up. You look over the remains of the Empire State Building. It is a pile of twisted metal.

Next time on Earnest Drops the Bomb:
 "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
* * *
After having defeated the doomsday bot, you wake up in bed next to your girlfriend Vanessa. She gives you a kiss as she whispers sweetly into your ear.

"Ernest, I hope you enjoyed your Christmas vacation. I sure did. I met my new boyfriend, he's so cute. His name is Arnold and I'm going to marry him.