EP 406 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 406, Story On By Chief

You are Marshall Mathers AKA Eminem. While telling someone you are the real Slim Shady, your jaw locks up as you make the record scratch sound effect. To your horror, you realize your mouth is stuck in this position! Your doctor says it should clear up in about a month. But before then, you have to record the rest of your album as well as participate in several very important meetings!

* * *
"I think I can see my house from here," said Fred. "We're almost there." He pointed out across the field toward his home.

You look at Fred's shirt and see it has vomit on it. You ask "Mom's spaghetti?"

He nods yes. The two of you walk over to where the car was parked. It looks like some kind of old model Mercedes convertible with an open top.

You say to Fred, "Knees weak, arms heavy." and then you lean for a kiss.

Fred opens his mouth wide and tries to shove his tongue into yours but he misses by a mile. His face turns red when he realizes what happened.

You tell Fred you have to leave for a very important meeting.
 He says okay. As you get closer to the car, you hear him say something else. When you turn around, he had gotten behind you and grabbed both of your breasts through your clothes.

As you tustle with Fred you accidentally open your trunk and reveal a cash of guns and ammo.
 He asks if you want him to shoot them all. You tell him no that would be wrong because they were gifts from family members.

You hand Fred a poster of Jason, Tony and Cory from AIPD that's worth thousands of dollars, and you tell him you never want to see his face around here again.
 Then you drive off towards the city.
What do you do?
* * *
Afterwards, she asked me why I did not simply kill her instead of letting her escape.

You ask her when she's going to stop living down here and start living up here. You level up and gain the following rapping powers.

The first one: You can now speak any language fluently.
The second: You can cast spells without incantations or chants.

You release an album with lyrics in 81 different languages.  It is a 50 cd box set that costs $2000.

Your next song "Rap God" gets 2 million hits on YouTube.
You spend three days straight recording the new album.

You name your new album:
 Rap God Vol. 3 - My Name Is Marshall Mathers AKA Eminem.

It is a box set containing 50 turds.  You record the following songs:

1. "Gimme Some More".
2. "My Dad's Gone Crazy Again".
3. "Forgot About Dre".
4. "Stan".
 "Love Game (featuring Rihanna)".
6. "So Bad".
7. "Like Toy Soldiers".
8. "Just Lose Yourself".
9. "White America".

10. "Somebody's Watching Me".
11. "Still Don't Give a Fuck".
12. "Bitch Please II".
 "Crazy In Love".
14. "Mockingbird".
15. "Carol".
16. "Headlights".
17. "Crackhead".
 "Won't Back Down".
19. "Cleanin' Out My Closet".
20. "Like Home".
21. "A Girl Like You".

Anthony Fantano reviews your new album:

"I don't know how many times I've heard this guy talk about how he's the real Slim Shady, but he just keeps doing it.
 And he has been for years. This is pretty much what you'd expect from someone who thinks he's funny."
* * *
You are Marshall Mathers AKA Slim Shady.

You pay Anthony Fantano a visit and bring your favorite gun.  You demand that he re-review your album in front you and you watch as he painstakingly re-listens to every track.

He says he doesn't understand what you are trying to say.
You say, "You think you're smart, but you ain't.
 You're a dumbass."
You fire the gun into his face, killing him instantly.

You release your final album titled 'I shot him in the face' recorded for death row.  Now one has the balls to review it.

* * *
You are Marshall Mathers AKA Slim Shady.
You find out that you have a wife and children.

Next up on American Rap Gods:

The New York Times calls it a masterpiece.
The Washington Post says you have a gift for rhyming.
The LA Weekly says they hope to see you live someday.