EP 404 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 404, Story On By Chief

You are Kyle Cutter, a 22 year old going to college in the early '90s. In order to seem cool, you have lied about knowing how to smoke a bong many, many times. In truth, you don't even own one. But after being invited to a "super chill party," you know your lie will be found out! The day before the party, you hatch a desperate plan to acquire a bong and learn how to use it through experimentation.

The next morning, as soon as you wake up, you get dressed for school.

You realize that during your experiments you have gotten way higher than anyone on Earth has ever gotten.  You step outside and are struck by awe and wonder at what you see:
 trees, grass, mountains, lakes...everything is green. It's like walking into some sort of sci-fi movie set.
"Holy shit!" you exclaim aloud.

Weedy Wonka greats you and welcomes you to Weedyland.  Before you can respond, the Dankalankas waddle out and begin to sing a song:

I'm gonna make this world mine, I'll take my time,
And when they're all gone, I'll do what I
My name is Wanye, I've got no home,
But here I stay, just watch me grow.

Your fat companion, Auguntus Froops, falls into the river of weed wax.
 He gets so high he starts laughing uncontrollably.
Wonka calls his three daughters over and begins to explain their new situation.

One of Wonka's daughters hands you a bong that's hidden amongst a big pile of turds.
 She says she thinks you might need it if things go badly today.
You look down at the pipe and notice its strange design.
 There are two small holes near the top where the water comes from. Then there is a large hole in the middle with a spout sticking out of it.

You quickly realize that this is no ordinary bong, but a bagpipe bong.
 A device used to play music on bagpipes using only air pressure instead of blowing directly into them. Your mouth drops open slightly.
"What?" Wonka asks.

You recall earlier when you met with Willie Nelson, offering to buy Wonka's secrets from you.  You recall he mentioned to steal Wonka's recipe for the Dank Dropper.
 So you ask him straight up, "Is there any chance that you stole the secret formula for the Dank Dropper? Like maybe a copy of it or something?"

The dankalankas emerge from a small hole and sing another weed-themed song that rhymes:

So tell me who took it then, did you grab it?

Did you slip it under your coat? Did you sneak it away?
If you didn't, why not? What was wrong with your face?
Oh yeah, I remember now!

It was Willie! That old bastard!
The Dankalankas laugh hysterically and continue singing.

WONKA'S DAUGHTER: "Heh-heh, we know how much you love us, Mr. Cutter!"
YOU: "Yeah, well...
you guys suck balls!"
The dankalankas finish up their song and leave.

This story is a public service announcement about:

-How easy it can be to get caught lying by your friends.
-How hard it can be to admit when you are completely full of shit.