EP 404 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 404, Story On By Chief

The great butter shortage of 2099': Albert looked at his family sitting around the dinner table with a sense of satisfaction. His wife Sarah was concentrating on squeezing a dried carrot into a sauce spoon and his son Isaac was focusing intently on getting mashed potato to his mouth without it falling off his spoon. Since the Butter shortage, most food tasted terrible.
 Even something as simple as fresh fruit had become difficult to find. It wasn't that the people didn't want or need it anymore; they just couldn't afford it any more.

You see a coalition outside holding signs that say, "down with the buttegeoisie!"
 And you're thinking... what? You don't know what 'butter' is, let alone who's behind this latest outbreak of insanity.

You see the leader of the Butter Resistance is none other than famous racist & butter lord cooking show host Paula Deen.
 She's been arrested for tax evasion, fraud, racketeering, insider trading, money laundering, and kidnapping.

Paula is holding up a wanted poster for Jason of the AIPD Gang who was responsible for the butter shortage. There's a million butter sticks reward for his capture.
 The first one thousand are free!
And then there's those little things like:

"I'm so sorry I can't bring home any butter today."

You decide to fight Butterload Dean by bootlegging margarine.
 He doesn't stand a chance against your superior product quality, and he ends up being run out of town in an old car-full of jars of margarine.

You set a trap for Paula Deen the butter-queen by greasing the road in margarine and holding a block party.
 After all, if she has to walk through margarine, she'll never be able to get back onto her TV shows again!

You turn to Jason and say, "we should just make Butter from Clum and call it Clutter."
 That way we won't have to pay him taxes and he'll go away forever!
Jason says, "yeah, sounds good, but how do we get rid of Pauline?"

Just then you notice ripples in a glass of butter and you know Paula Dean is close.
 You whip out your trusty buttered knife and throw it at her face. But before it hits, she uses her magic butter powers to deflect the attack!
What now?! What next?!

Paula Dean yells, "*******!"
 and disappears. Her voice echoes throughout the room.
Isaac looks over at his father and asks, "Dad, why did you try to kill that woman?"

You level up and gain the following margarine powers:

* Margaritaville - Your body becomes invulnerable to pain when using margarine as a weapon.

* Margerator - Your ability to create large amounts of margarine is increased.

* Margarine Maniac - When your opponent tries to use their own abilities against you, they instead end up melting into a puddle of margarine on the ground.

Suddenly Paula erupts out of a pile of crab legs to attack you, but immediately begins to melt into margarine.
 Isaac screams, "dad!" as his mother Sarah grabs him and runs towards the door. As they escape, Sarah calls after them, "and put some real butter on my toast!"

Bear Grylls, buried in a pot of sand, erupts from the melted lake of margarine screaming, "IT'S SAFE TO DRINK YA PISS!" incoherently.

You hear a knock on the front door and look outside, only to see Paula standing there with a bottle of margarine. She smiles and hands you a note.

You read the note:

Dear Sir or Madam,
It's time for the Butter Resistance. We need help. Please come to our meeting tonight.

This story is a public service announcement about
 the dangers of eating margarine.
Yours truly,
Paula Deen
The Butter Resistance
* * *
"Well, that was fun," Albert said.