You are Michael Jerkson, a cryptid fanatic entering a remote wilderness with your friends Jason Bond, Barry Binds, and Barbara Strisound. What you find will shock you. You have to cross the Rocky Mountains in winter! You look to your cryptid chasers and say "Tonight, we hunt for Bigfoot!" The first stage of your journey is over snow-covered mountains at an altitude of five thousand feet above sea level. Your financier for this expedition, Tom Cruise, who is trying to sell you his coffee explains the mission: “My dear Mr. Jerkson, I know that it’s not easy to get funding for such a long trip but if you can give me two million dollars I believe I could arrange something from my company.” “I don’t want money!” says Jerry, taken aback by the offer. You turn to Jason Bond and ask, "Jason Bond, how is your adopted son, Tony Bond, doing?" "He’s well," replies Jason, looking troubled. Jerry looks at him again and asks, "Why do you call him 'Tony' instead of 'Toni'? You open a gift from Tom: it is brand new Snowboards... great for the way down. The three other cryptids follow suit and soon all four are out on the slopes enjoying themselves immensely. It's good fun. You scramble through your luggage for a tranquilizer gun, but find a bottle of vodka instead. So you take off one boot, drink half the bottle, then put back the boot and go skiing. You follow a trail crypturds back to the cryptid lair. They've been having a party. There they tell you about their lives. They were born between six hundred and seven hundred years ago. You listen to the cryptids tale of woe: their parents never loved them; they had no education or prospects. One day, a mysterious man came along and said he would love them like sons and daughters. He took them away and gave them a home where there was plenty of food and shelter. Then he taught them everything they needed to know so that they could live as humans. But they couldn't forget what they once were. Every time they saw another human being, they felt afraid. You offer to give the cryptids makeovers. To each of them you say: “We'll change you into someone else." Makeover montage! The cryptids agree. Soon after, they begin to feel better. Their hair becomes longer and darker, their eyes more almond shaped. They become taller and stronger than before. Bigfoot walks up to you and shyly asks "would you like to come over for dinner?" You accept and sit in his kitchen with some wine while eating a meal prepared by his wife. You talk about life in general and politics in particular. You also discuss religion and philosophy. Bigfoot invites you to join him and his wife in their hot tub. He kisses you passionately and then takes you upstairs to his bedroom. The next morning, Bigfoot wakes you up early and tells you it's time for breakfast. The moral of the story: “Don’t judge people by appearances.” So much for the first stage of your journey. Now for the second: crossing the Rocky Mountains in winter!
EP 401 – Story #1
Posted under Episode 401, Story On By Chief