My name is Ken Hathersage, the best student in Rhode Island Kung Fu Community College, and this was to be my trial for the highly prestigious Kung Fu Detective school. I had been given a demonstration of their methods by Mr. Wu himself—the famous Chinese master who founded the school. Wu's moves are fluid and fast. You have a hard time keeping track of his movements. Your trial starts and you open with your special move. It’s called “The Scissors Fist. ” The first thing that happens is that he grabs hold of your wrist and twists it behind your back. You aileron roll to untwist your wrist and scissor fist Wu in the throat. He goes down like a sack of potatoes. The second move you learn is how to throw him over your shoulder into an arm bar submission maneuver. After you put Wu into an arm bar submission, you say, "I need to take out my secret specialty trick weapon: the katana!" Then you swing the sword at Wu’s head. A few moments later he gets up again. "What do we do now?" You turn to the class and say, "I need help from Jason's son, Tony. He has a special attack known as "the Tonyzone." So we go on to our third move, which is a double-handed karate chop to the face! Wu catches your hands and shoves back. Wu transforms into his final form: The Dragon King! But before he can strike you, another student throws a metal pipe between them and breaks the dragon king’s neck. That ends the fight. You assume the title of new headmaster at Rhode Island Kung Fu Community College. There will never be any more fights or injuries during classes because all students are required to wear protective vests made from the skin of a living bull snake. The student's complain of being very itchy in the bullskin vests. They also find that they cannot sleep well at night. Their hair turns white overnight and then falls out within hours. You are worried about getting sued, but all the students celebrate their rapid aging because now they look like Former Master Wu. They start calling themselves “Former Masters Wu.” And when they get old enough, they leave school and join the army. This way, there won't be anyone left to sue you. You make it through the semester as headmaster and are now giving the opening speech to the finals games. " Students," you begin, "this year we're going to play a game called "Sister Mary vs. Sister Mary." You explain the 5 simple rules of the game "Sister Mary vs Sister Mary": 1. No touching each other. 2. You must use only one hand. 3. You may not speak. 4. If either sister loses consciousness, she is disqualified. 5. You win if you survive for 10 minutes. Your students cheer wildly after hearing these rules. You continue, "As soon as I announce the starting signal, both sisters jump onto the stage together. "ANNNNNNNNNNNND FIGHT!" And so begins the battle. SISTER MARY VS SISTER MARY Both Sisters Mary have black belts in martial arts and are experts in unarmed combat. The two sisters circle each other for a while confused as to how they win this fight. Then you command the shuriken throwers to begin throwing at the sisters. The sisters dodge every single thrown object. One by one, the shuriken throwers fall unconscious from exhaustion. Now you tell the sisters to break out their weapons. The sisters fighting kicks up a cloud of dust, and when it settles, only one remains. It is your turn to declare victory. You say to the remaining sister, "Congratulations. You've survived ten minutes. Now you'll need to show me your true strength." Just then someone from the crowd throws a metal pipe at your head and breaks your neck just like what happened to Master Wu. You die instantly. But your students don’t know that. They think you are still alive and you are now holding up your hands to surrender. "I give up!" The moral of the story: Don't ever teach Kung Fu. — A friend once asked you why you were such an excellent detective. "Because Sherlock Holmes was always right. It's that simple." elementary _school: There is an elementary school on the outskirts of town where you work. You are responsible for teaching math to the third grade students.