EP 400 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 400, Story On By Chief

You are Octavius Drakk, a skull wearing warlord to a growing tyrannical empire. You're enjoying a fine wine in the safety of your courtroom when a weary soldier runs in to the room yelling, "Fergus...  Fergus Macleod is here!"

The main door quakes as bits of brown mush ooze through the cracks in the door. The door explodes open and Fergus slides in on a pile of 400 tur
 He stands up with his hands held out for peace.

"I'm sorry," he says, wiping at his face with one hand.

Through brown and blue face paint Fergus bellows "Our enemies amass against us. We must unite to face the growing horde of
 enemy forces."

Octavius smiles and takes another sip from his glass. A few more soldiers come running into the room followed by a tall man dressed all in black.

The tall man doesn't get a chance to introduce himself as your fortress is hit by a tsunami of fire waves.
 Your army is decimated before you can even scream a warning.

You die screaming.
And so does everyone else.

You awaken and though you remember dying, you are staring at your unburnt body.  You see the tall man standing above you as he says, "My name is Tuxedo Mask and you have Magical Girl Superpowers Octavius!"

Tuxedo Mask pulls out some kind of device that looks like it was made out of a piece of paper mache. It has an antenna sticking off of it.

You ask Tuxedo Mask, "What do you mean superpowers?  And what is this device?"

He explains: "This little gadget I invented will allow me to control anyone's mind remotely! So long as they've been exposed to my magic, of course!"

A group of enemy soldiers burst into the throne room, and tuxedo mask says "ahh, I chance to show my powers!" Tuxedo mask turns to the soldiers and drops his trousers. A ray of light flies from his crotch and all the soldiers are hypnotized.
 They start walking towards him like zombies until he tells them to stop moving. He then walks over to the throne where you lie unconscious.

You snap awake and see that you are floating.  You hear a voice from above that tells you about your magic girl powers:
 "When activated, these powers make you invincible to bullets or any other weapon that would normally kill you instantly! But there is always a price.
 For every power you activate, your life force drains away slightly, which means if you don't take breaks between uses, you'll be dead soon after activating those powers again!"

You test how long you can activate your powers without harming yourself. You're surprised you can activate them for
 almost three minutes straight. After that time is up, you feel exhausted but still alive. You try not to use your powers too often because of the draining effect.

Just then you are shot.  You turn around to see it was Tuxedo Mask.  You ask, "Why Mask, why!?"

"Because," he answers simply.
Your eyes go wide.  Then you realize something.  You say to Tuxedo Mask, "Wait, wait... did you just shoot me?!"

Tuxedo Mask laughs, "No no, I didn't shoot you. This gun shoots rays of light instead."

You realize that you are the only person who can stop Tuxedo Mask from using his mind control on anyone else.  Out of desperation, you lunge at him and using all of the magical girl power you have left to end his life.
 However, before you can reach him, he throws up another shield to protect himself.
You stand there helplessly as Tuxedo Mask continues to laugh.

You try to pummel your way through Tuxedo masks shield, but you aren't strong enough. From beneath the pile of turds you hear the muffled sound of bagpipes. Fergus emerges and with one mighty, scottish kick blasts through the shield.

Fergus punches Tuxedo Mask in the face with one hand while swinging his axe with the other.
Tuxedo Mask falls backwards onto the pile of turds.

You watch as Tuxedo Mask melts into the pile of turds: his one weakness.

The battle is won.
The tyrant is defeated!
The new government is formed. The new government is led by Fergus Macleod.

Fergus names us his first lady.
 She is named Sissela Drakk.
We live in peace under the rule of our great leader.
But we know that evil lurks within.

The moral of the story:
 Don't mess with Tuxedo Mask.
"I'm going to tell you the truth about what happened to my family," said George, "but I want you to promise me
 that you will keep it a secret."
George was sitting next to me at a table in a coffee shop. We were waiting for a friend of mine.
My name is Michael.