You are Angus Mcfife, a Scottish man who has a phobia of bagpipes. One day you decide to confront your fear and pay 200 burly bagpipers to follow you around for a week, all the while aggressively playing bagpipe tunes at you. You're just about to get anxious when the sound of screeching pipes rolls over the hills from behind—you turn around and see that it's really only one very large, very angry, and very strong bagpiper with his face painted blue, wearing nothing but shorts and carrying an enormous sword in both hands. "I am Fergus Macleod," he bellows, "and I'm here to teach you the meaning of fear! You instinctively begin running away. The piper chases after you on foot, brandishing his massive weapon as if trying to cut down trees with it. You turn to look back and he is full sprinting towards you. You scream, "Bagpipes make me poop my pants in fear. I'm not joking. Look at all the poop in my jeans." He looks confused. So do the other bagpipers, who have now caught up to him. They stop chasing you and start staring at their leader. Then they slowly turn around and head home. Fergus Blasts his bagpipes and screams "OYYY! Get back here ya cunts!" The bagpipers run off again and this time they don't come back. It takes two days before Fergus can calm himself enough to go home. His wife tells him what happened. You feel terrible for wasting Fergus's time and decide once he has calmed down, you will pay him for his services. But how? How could you possibly offer payment to someone like Fergus, whose entire livelihood depends upon being feared by others? A few days later, Fergus comes knocking at your door. You open the door and stand up to fear itself! What does Fergus want? What price would be sufficient compensation for such terror? Fergus looks deep into your eyes and says "I've come for your soul." "My WHAT?!" He nods solemnly. "Your soul. Your heart. Your mind. Everything you are. I demand it in exchange for my services." You ask Fergus, "Are you... the devil?" "No. No no no NO! NOT THE DEVIL!! Just a humble bagpiper seeking to serve humanity!" How much should you give him? You give Fergus your digits. It is a sad day when you learn that Fergus Mcfife was found dead in the woods some years ago. You attend Fergus's funeral and give a loving memorial speech that is cut short when you see a crew of bagpipers descending from a hilltop. Their faces are painted blue, they carry swords, and they're screaming obscenities at the top of their lungs. The bagpipers surround you and block out any light from above. You beg for life and curl up in a ball. They raise their weapons high overhead and bring them crashing down onto your body. They toss your shredded corpse into Fergus's grave and then they smash Fergus's coffin repeatedly onto your remains. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. May God bless us and protect us. Amen. You wake up on a cold stone floor surrounded by the smell of burnt flesh. You see Fergus and he says, "Welcome to hell!" As he plays your intestines like a bagpipe. You say, "Hey man, I thought we had an agreement." Fergus says, "Agreements are made to be broken." He continues playing as he walks away. The moral of the story: Don't make deals with bagpipers. So you're sitting there in the middle of nowhere and you're looking at the map and wondering where to go next and what to do and who to meet and you're all alone and it's dark and scary and lonely and you know that you have to keep going but the night is so very long and the road is so very, very, very cold. And you're hungry and thirsty and scared and you think that you'll die if you don't find help soon but you're also kind of excited because maybe if you hurry, you can just
EP 398 – Story #1
Posted under Episode 398, Story On By Chief