EP 396 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 396, Story On By Chief

You are General Fantasy, an unfortunately named pacifist son to a recently slain wizard general. The king of Aphasia has tasked you to win the entirety of the war while he takes a nice holiday to the south. At your command you have the following military units and assets;

*One unit each from the armies of Trazayuya, Arcturus, Niflheim, Muspelheim, Vanadis, Jotunheim, and Vidius

You begin to draw up a peace treaty and say to your top general, "I don't wanna fight. I just wanna watch AIPD. Jason released a new intro for the show and it's awesome."
 Your chief advisor is not amused by this comment.

You assemble your honor guard from the mightiest warriors of each army. Their names are:

Hagelbarger – From Hagelberg in Nordland, his name means 'The Strongest'. He can lift over 3 tons with one hand.
 His favorite weapon is the battle axe called 'Wulfsbane' which was forged from the bones of giants.
 It weighs about as much as two normal axes and will cleave through most anything that stands before him.

The other members of the team introduce themselves:

Bjorn – Bjorn comes from the land of Hedeby on the island of Gotland. He claims to be descended from Vikings who once ruled all of Scandinavia.
 He wields a long-handled hammer known as 'Morkolnir', a gift from Thor himself. When used correctly, Morkolnir causes any enemy struck to instantly fall asleep.

You say, "Scandinavia is a made-up place!"
 and laugh at their shocked faces. You then order them to march out into the field outside the castle walls. They do so without complaint or hesitation.

They are struck by enemy lasers and they walk through the battlefield.
 Every single soldier is cut down by laser fire but none stop moving forward. As they approach the castle gates, they are greeted by a giant robot sentry droid.
"Who goes there?"

You order your troops to attack with love.
 They rush toward the machine and start punching holes in its armor with their bare hands. After several minutes of battering the metal monstrosity, they finally reach its core.

The core looks like a giant beating heart.  You yell at your troups, "Not that kind of love you dinguses!"
 and run away laughing hysterically. The rest of your forces cheer you on and join the assault.
After several hours of fighting, the defenders are no longer able to stand against such overwhelming force.

You build a skull throne from the robot skulls of your enemies.
 You sit upon it and look around at the carnage caused by your mighty warriors. Your chief advisor says, "General Fantasy! We must retreat now!"

You retreat.
 Your advisors follow behind you as you go back inside the castle. Once you arrive at your chambers, you call together your commanders again.

You walk to the open window, and point outside to the moon and state "this is our next target!"

Your generals are confused by this statement, and ask what you mean.
You tell them, "We will conquer it first!
 Then we'll bring it here and use it to crush the armies of Aphasia underfoot."
A few days later, your fleet arrives in orbit above the planet.

Your generals stage a coup.
 Your chief advisor has been arrested for treason, along with everyone else who disagrees with you. You have them thrown off the ship and onto the surface below.

While you freefall to Aphasia, you pull out a remote with a single large red button, and press it. You watch in horror as
 the entire world explodes beneath you.
You crash-land near the center of the explosion.

The moral of the story:
 Don't make fun of the names of Nordic gods.
* * *
I'm going to take a moment to explain the lore of the various races.