You are Alan Smithee, a movie director who has been hired to direct a He-Man movie. The movie has a low budget, so you hire an out of shape, inexperienced actor to play He-Man and a guy in a skeleton Halloween costume to play Skeletor. Although the movie looks cheap, you are convinced that you can make it into something special. What do you do? A: You cast your best friend as Prince Adam and another good friend as He-Man’s mother Queen Marlena. You decide to not waste anytime and begin filming immediately. On set, you yell at all of your crew members on every take just like any other director would, but no one pays attention to you because they think you’re only yelling at them for your own benefit since no one else really cares what you have to say. They believe that this is all part of some grand master plan you have concocted to be successful with your film. You yell, "Action!" The actors react by playing their parts perfectly. You cue the pyrotechnics. And you feel vindicated as everyone yells, “Cut! ” B: You are Alan Smithee, a movie producer who has been hired to produce a sequel to the recent blockbuster film entitled “Skeletor Strikes Back” starring Skeletor, Evil-Lyn, Orko, Trap Jaw, Mekaneck, Man At Arms, Mossman, and Beastman. The film hits theaters and the reviews are in, you pick up the New Yorks times and read their review of your movie. You are outraged that such a horrible review was given the film by critics who don't even know how to properly write a review. You vindictively write a review about the reviewer. The article makes fun of him/her. It includes comments from the star of the film (not the real Skeletor) and quotes anonymous sources claiming that the critic has an eating disorder or is actually a transsexual prostitute. What do you do? You read the review of your review of the reviewer. You laugh so hard that you cry. Then, after wiping away your tears with the back of your hand, you smile and continue reading the review. You read on to find out that everyone in the world will soon realize just how stupid you are. They will also discover that you are the least talented director ever to direct anything. You show them who's boss by directing your magnum opus: a 4 hour long saga about Mekaneck. You end it by cutting all of the footage down to 2 minutes. You r gambit pays off and by some miracle your movie about Mekaneck is the number one box office hit of all time! The money you make from this surpasses any amount you could have imagined. Later that year at the Academy Awards, Mekaneck is being nominated for 7 Oscars: Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Director, Screenplay and Original Song. He loses every single one of these awards. On your way to the after-party, you get ambushed by a news crew who ask "how does it feel to lose so many times?" you say "well , I had no idea I was up against such talent." You then drop dead from a heart attack. The moral of the story: If you want someone else to fail badly enough, they will eventually succeed. Question #4: Your friend is very attractive but she doesn't do anything special. What should you tell her? Answer: You would be better off telling her what you told me about your wife. Tell her that you love her and appreciate her because of how beautiful she is.
EP 395 – Story #2
Posted under Episode 395, Story On By Chief