"The stories I could tell you...", began the old man. "Please, Gramps," begged the youngster, "Not another boring horror story!" "Oh, this one's the true deal, sonny", he replied, "So you better listen up." "It's my bedtime...", the boy whined, "But what the heck, if I must." "Okay, okay" said the grandfather, "It all began on a hot summer's day in Southern California . The town was a seaside resort that used to draw visitors in by boat, before the roads started connecting with the coast. Grandpa says, "This is how I met you mother." That night, Grandpa and his young wife were enjoying themselves after having spent the afternoon playing around in a local amusement park with their grandchildren─and now it was finally bed time. Grandpa goes into laborious detail about the price of fruit back in his day. A whole bushel for five bucks? Not likely. Then there's all that time-consuming effort they had putting those seeds to use. Grandpa tells you, "You were adopted. Jason isn't actually your birth father. In fact, he's younger than you." A lie! Grandpa was already lying. It'd be impossible to get an adopter who would consent when he didn't know whether they're going to end up having a son or daughter, but at least we don't know if she's a girl or a guy! We're just left with that much to go off of! Grandpa hands you Dad's Dentures which are covered in Gerbil Fur. Your mom cries out in surprise when you try to show her the false teeth, then bursts out laughing─I guess that's what you'd call an unplanned comedy bit, huh. Grandpa cuts to the part of the story where the baby is born. It's a bouncing baby , he's a happy-go-lucky boy...he looks exactly like me, thinks Grandma, as she watches him with love and affection... But wait! The eyes are not normal...the shape of the nose is completely off! You exclaim, "That's no baby, that's a banana!" What do you think? Does this story make you smile? Do you find it funny? Are there other similarities between yourself and the kid from "A Tale from Earthsea?" You ask "was the kid from "A tale from EarthSea" a banana?" "He sure was," answers your grandpa, "I've never heard of anybody else called a 'Banana Child.'" And he chuckles again. "Of course I'm exaggerating. He may look more like a little monkey than anything. I just couldn't stand the thought that he might grow up and turn out looking nothing like us, so maybe I took liberties. Grandpa reveals that he rewrote your genetic code. He also changed the name you're given, too. Your original first name came straight out of his imagination; but the new name he came up with was "Bubba." You grab a mirror and are shocked to see that you have transformed into a gorilla. This was not something that happened naturally, either. When you were being carried around by the two women who had found you, you could hear them whispering, "'He's just so cute.' You escape your Grandpa's house and try to return to the jungle. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible─your genes were swapped and it turned out your body had adapted perfectly to your new circumstances. Your hands begin to morph into long hairy claws, while your face takes on a bestial countenance. You want to bring culture to your gorilla brethren, and decide to host and star in a one-man show called "the day I found out I was a gorilla". You ♥ for all the gorillas in town, even though none are aware they aren't real gorillas, because they've become accustomed to your antics over the years. The gorillas throw their shit at you in protest. One time the cops haul you in and accuse you of breaking and entering. You quickly recite your final monologue and then you try to explain that you were meant to be there, but end up ripping off an officers arms during the explanation. As a result, the officer arrests the real gorillas and chases the imposter gorilla out into a forest. You are hurt by the fact that the officer noticed you were an "imposter". Your life is in jeopardy. Your fate is decided by the gorillas. They will take you home. As you hide away in the forest of central park, you see a newspaper that has the front page story "Gorilla Makes Broadway Goes Banana " with a headline, you can read: The real BANANA CHILD IS ON STAGE AT MARY EVANS ACADEMY! And a photograph. You look at the photograph to see your grandpa standing next to a big black gorilla holding a white umbrella, wearing glasses, grinning at the reporter who was taking pictures of them─it looks almost like an endorsement photo. It's Grandma, you notice. The moral of the story: "Be nice to people," you think, remembering what she said about the way things ended between her husband and her─and so that night, for once you're in sync.
EP 392 – Story #3
Posted under Episode 392, Story On By Chief