You are Jason. The year is 2021 and AIPD has been sold to Reindr0b Industries©️ for a big barrel of popcorn butter. One day you decide to check what Reindr0b Industries©️ has done with the AIPD Stream. They have done something horrible, it's now a ASMR stream with Jeremy Renner as the host! "Oh no!!!! This is the worst thing to happen this year!" You scream at your computer screen in horror. "Jason, I'm sorry but we're going to need to cancel our subscription." You want to see what for yourself what makes the new AIPD show so bad, so you tune in for an episode of "Buttery mouth sounds with Renner." Renner opens his mouth and says: "Gahhhhhhhh!!" Then he starts to moan like a woman getting fucked by her boyfriend's friend while she's on all fours. You revel in the fact that no one would watch this garbage but then see in the chat that PewDiePie is watching. He seems interested too and asks if there is any way he could get involved. So you ask him how much money he wants. You panic and before you can hear PewDiePie's respo n s e, you send him a message saying, "I’m so sorry. Here: if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw — There it is. That's a straw, see? Watch it. Now my straw reaches across the room, and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! [slurping noise] I drink it up!" Then you go back into the video and try to enjoy the rest of the show. But it just doesn't work. You want to take the show in a different direction, but Renner has complete creative control. you say to Jeremy "Mr. Renner, if you give me AIPD back, I'll let you have legal custody of my adopted son, Tony." Jeremy looks down sadly. "My life was good until they took over. All those years I spent making AIPD great were ruined when they bought us out. You realize that Jeremy was just a puppet and that Reindr0b Industries has secretly sold the show to none other than multimillionaire Tom Cruise. Cruise enters the studio wearing a white lab coat and begins to explain why the public should buy his new brand of coffee beans. The next morning you wake up in your bed. You look over to see Tom staring directly at you, his lab coat off, his abs glowing in the morning haze. Tom says "you want some more of my hot beans" "No thanks," you say. "They make me sick." Tom smiles devilishly. "Well, now you know what happens to people who don't listen to their doctor." You feel awkward that Tom Cruise thinks he's a scientist and not... well... you don't want to say the S word around him for fear of what he might do. Instead you say, "So what is it exactly that you're selling?" "It's called the 'Tom Cruise Coffee' and it's delicious! You ask Mr. Cruise "Mr. Cruise, who was your favorite AIPD cast member: Me, hot-haired Tony, Lionheart Jim or Bucket Cory?" He says "Oh, everyone loved Tony. Especially the ladies." This makes you uncomfortable because he's looking at you now and he's still smiling. You decide to change the subject. Tom interrupts you, he says "I got a special guest spot on the Oprah show. They're gonna LOVE MY BEANS!" You turn to face the camera. You say "I've always wanted to be on the Oprah show. Can you get me on the show too?" "Sure thing Jason. Just tell me what you'd like to talk about. It's all yours. You can even use the whole hour to promote the Tom Cruise Coffee. What could be better for your sales?" The moral of the story: Don't trust anyone with an MFA from NYU. They're all crooks.
EP 390 – Story #3
Posted under Episode 390, Story On By Chief