EP 390 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 390, Story On By Chief

You are Edward O' Dowell, a small town priest. On a starry you night you are hit in the head by a small snail shell that falls from the sky. As you rub your forehead, you get the idea to start a cult dedicated to
 St. Barbara and build an abbey on top of Mount Ararat. It would be called "The Abbey of the Holy Snail" .

Your first followers make the harrowing trek up to Mount Ararat.  They greet you with gifts for the snails:
 gold coins, jewels, etc., but there's nothing they can do about the cold and snow at this time of year.

You provide your followers with Cory's sweatpants which have H. P. Lovecraft writings in the pockets.
 The following spring you harvest more than enough snails for your purposes. Your followers leave their shoes outside when going into the cave.

You want to become a snail yourself, and order your the followers to stomp the snails, and smear upon their snail goo, their snoo.
 This will cause them to change into slugs.

Your followers turn into slugs, but you have a much more drastic transformation as you evolve into
 a gigantic slug-like creature. In fact, it becomes so large that all of your followers die because they cannot keep up with its pace.

As you crush your followers, their snoo fuses with your snoo, and you receive a vision.
 A voice tells you to take the snail slime back to Earth where you will find something else in the sea.

You slowly slug your way off the moon and hurdle back towards Earth where you land in a freshwater lake.
 You then walk along the shoreline until you come across some old bottles. Inside one of these bottles is a note written by someone named Algernon Blackwood.

You read the note, it says
Edward! I am writing this letter to you from my home in Arkham Massachusetts. There is no longer any point in hiding our relationship from the world.

You go to Edward and Algernon to spread your message of slug. You say "All slugs are hermaphrodites, come roll in my slime orgy! all are welcome. St. Barbara be praised!"

They both agree to help you, and after a few months they've made quite a number of converts.

You notice one day that Algernon is wearing Cory's sweatshirt which is covered in a rare type of slime produced by AIPD.
 You ask him why he has been doing this, and he explains that he was just trying to copy his friend.

You notice Edward, also covered in this rare slime.  Then you realize what is going on: a slug coup!'

After a lot of work, you manage to defeat Edward and Algernon. But now you must face the real threat - the AIPD.

Officer Cory Yells "put your proboscus's in the air, and no one gets the salt!"

The AIPD agents put their hands on their heads and yell "I'm sorry officer."
Then Officer Cory yells "No, don't apologize!

You are your slug followers make the slowest escape as the AIPD agents argue amongst themselves.
 They can only watch helplessly as you make your escape.
A couple weeks later the entire town turns out for your funeral service.

although you are still a giant slug, you are disguised as the priest giving the eulogy at your own funeral. Once all of your enemies have their guards down, you spring the attack.
 Your followers swarm the AIPD agents, eating them alive, leaving behind the remains of their bodies.
You and your followers return to your new abbey atop Mount Ararat.

The moral the of the story:
 Don't get caught.
St. Barbara's Snail Cult (or the Abbot's Snail)
It's a dark and stormy night. The wind howls through the trees.